Chastity Keyholding For Dummies

This post, Chastity Keyholding For Dummies, is for the ladies, ladies whose male partners have come to them with a strange request: “Will you lock me in a chastity device and be my keyholder?” Please understand I’d never apply the term “dummy” to any woman. Having been raised with good manners, I have always treated women with respect, even deference. The title of the post is meant only to illustrate my intention to take women who know little or nothing at all about male chastity and help them learn what a keyholder is and why they might want to be one.

If you are a woman reading this post, chances are your husband, boyfriend, lover, or whatever has asked you to lock him in a chastity device and to become his keyholder. You probably arrived here while doing your own research to learn what chastity is exactly and why the man in your life seems so excited by the idea of wearing a chastity device.

Or, perhaps, your partner directed you to this post and asked you to read it. Regardless, you likely came here with many questions. If you are utterly new to male chastity, this might be your first question. “What is a chastity keyholder?” Running a close second may be the question, “Why in the world would I want to be a keyholder?” I will answer those questions and many more in this post.

What Is A Keyholder

Simply put, a keyholder is a term for someone who holds the key to the chastity device of another. A keyholder can be anyone, as long as that person consents to the role. Some may assume a keyholder is always a female. That’s not true. Anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can fill the position. But most commonly, a keyholder is the caged male’s wife, girlfriend, or sexual partner.

The keyholder has a position of great power. Because a keyholder controls access to a chastity device, they also, by extension, control the genitals of their partner. That means they decide when or if their partner can achieve sexual gratification. At its most basic, keyholding is about control, taking control of a man sexually. I’ll explain why this is important later.

The Basics of Male Chastity

Most women describe their initial reactions when their partner tells them he wishes them to lock him in a chastity device with words like “shock” and “confusion.” Let’s try to clear that away.

The motivation behind why a guy wants to wear a chastity device and to have his partner control him sexually is uncomplicated. At first blush, when your partner first approached you about chastity, you may have thought it was only the latest kinky sex thing he had found on the Internet and wanted to try to spice up things in the bedroom. It may have sounded entirely unnatural to you, something you weren’t interested in at all. It didn’t seem sexy. In reality, it seemed kind of stupid, very stupid, boring, and pointless.

But actually, being sexually controlled by a woman is a pervasive male fantasy shared by many men. That means chastity probably isn’t just the latest in a long line of kinky sex things your partner stumbled across on the Internet. If your man has asked you to put him in chastity, he has probably already been fantasizing about it for months, if not years.

The attraction for male chastity for most men is primarily the desire for two things—orgasm control and orgasm denial.

Orgasm Control & Denial

Orgasm control is the sexual practice where someone remains in a state of heightened arousal for an extended period without achieving climax. The expectation for experiencing this lengthened final stage of arousal is that it will amplify the sensations of an eventual orgasm.

Orgasm denial is the sexual practice of experiencing or allowing someone else to experience a high level of sexual pleasure for an extended period without experiencing orgasm. Most of us would agree that orgasms are seriously pleasurable experiences. Why would anyone wish to be denied orgasms deliberately? Because having a partner holding you back or forbidding you to come intentionally can lead to amplified erotic fantasies and heighten the anticipation of climax.

The attraction of orgasm control and denial for men who wish to be put in chastity is not that they want only to have their orgasms limited or denied, they also want a partner to subject them to intense sexual teasing. Sexual teasing combined with orgasm delay or denial for a male increases his testosterone levels and the sensitivity in his genitals. Increasing testosterone and sensitivity stimulates his sex drive and leads to stronger orgasms when he does orgasm.

It Sounds So Selfish

Interest in practicing chastity among men has exploded in recent years. The increased interest likely is the result of male chastity devices becoming more readily available and at significantly lower prices. While male chastity might still not yet be mainstream, it is definitely moving in that direction. What was once something practiced only by submissive men involved in BDSM, is now increasingly being practiced by average, everyday men who may not have a kinky bone in their bodies.

At this point, you may be thinking; male chastity sounds selfishly motivated, just like every other aspect of the weird world of male sexuality. It’s yet another thing your partner wants you to do for him so that he gets sexual gratification. No thanks! Sure, it is selfishly motivated. I won’t insult your intelligence by denying it. If you agree to put your partner in chastity and to become his keyholder, he will get what he wants. But, there is so much more because male chastity produces some rather startling changes in men that will directly benefit the keyholder. Putting your partner in chastity can be an opportunity for you to get more enjoyment from your sex life, not just something he has asked you to do to keep him happy.

Those Were The Days

Remember when you first met your husband or partner, and he worked so hard trying to win your affections and to persuade you to have a relationship with him? He was so affectionate. All he wanted was to spend time with you. He hung on your every word. There was nothing he was unwilling to do to make you happy. Then, once you married or got into a relationship with him, everything changed. Like singer Paula Cole says it in her song, “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone,” “I am wearing my new dress tonite, but you don’t even notice me. Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie song? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone?”

Not to discount the sincere love and affection I’m confident your partner felt for you at the time, his primary motivation back then during the courting phase was that he found you sexually attractive and wanted you as a sexual partner. That’s a sad yet accurate commentary on the male sex drive. It’s also unfortunate that over time, once a relationship has been established, passions cool, and the romance fades. What would you say if I told you, male chastity could reverse that? It can turn back the clock on your relationship with your partner to where it feels you’re in that romantic courtship phase all over again. How is that possible, you ask? Please read on.

A male whose sexuality is locked up in a chastity device is denied orgasm, sexual pleasure of any kind, and even the sensation of a normal erection. Chastity works in many ways. It changes a man’s moods, demeanor, and libido. Most importantly, it transforms his desire to please his partner when she holds the key to his chastity device.

It isn’t that it becomes his goal to do more around the house like cooking, cleaning, or the laundry, but you will find that he will do one or more of these things as he continues the build-up of his sexual energy. Unable to channel this pent up sexual energy through his genitals, by necessity, he diverts that energy towards pleasing you.

As his keyholder and the sole source of his sexual pleasure, he will once again become wholly focused on you. He will adore you and love you in the way he did when you first met, and he will be eager to please you in every way. Why does this happen?

The increase in sexual tension produced by chastity increases a man’s testosterone levels giving him a significant energy boost. Research studies on the effect of increased testosterone levels on male sexuality have identified testosterone as the major “courtship inducer.” We might define “courtship” as the amount of effort a male is willing to put into gaining the favor of a female. The courtship mode is induced when a male’s testosterone levels are increased by fifty-percent or more through an extended non-ejaculatory period of at least seven days. Since the purpose of a male chastity device is to enforce non-ejaculatory periods, they yield the spontaneous initiation of courtship.

The takeaway is, by putting your man in chastity, he will become more attentive to your needs, more affectionate, and more willing to do whatever you ask when he believes it will make you happy. Have you ever felt your partner was most focused on having his sexual needs satisfied during sex and that your satisfaction was a distant second consideration, if a consideration at all? Male chastity can completely reverse that. Yes, your partner will still crave sexual pleasure, denial of his orgasm will sometimes feel frustrating, but even so, his primary goal will be the satisfaction of your sexual needs. Satisfying you by giving you sexual pleasure will become more important to him than his desires.

What Do I Have To Do As His Keyholder?

Perhaps after reading the previous section, you are feeling a little more curious about this whole chastity thing. The natural next question then is this. What do I have to do if I agree to be his keyholder?

You take possession of the keys, and you decide when or if your partner has orgasms. Being a keyholder does not obligate you to do any more than that.

It might be helpful to think as male chastity as a game, a game in which you, as the keyholder, make all the rules. That doesn’t mean you should lock your partner in a chastity device and throw away the key. You may want to put a little more time, effort, and imagination into it if you’re going to achieve a sexual relationship with your partner far beyond anything you’ve ever experienced or maybe even imagined possible.

Tease & Denial

Intertwined within those chastity fantasies your partner has almost surely entertained, is the part he was thinking about most when he asked you to be his keyholder. He desires you to tease him sexually in every way you can think of while denying him orgasm. And, teasing and denial is a necessity for chastity to work.

If you lock your partner in a chastity device and then ignore him, his arousal will grow for a time, but then he will reach a point where his arousal plateaus and then inevitably declines. Then chastity will no longer be something he enjoys. It also won’t be the courtship inducer that produces the behavioral changes I mentioned earlier. That’s just not how the male arousal cycle works. Orgasm denial, coupled with sexual teasing is what elevates testosterone levels in men.

Teasing and denial needn’t be time-consuming. It all depends on what type of teasing, and how much of it you want to do. It’s entirely up to you. Also, by teasing, I don’t mean it is always you doing sexually pleasurable things to your partner. It also means requiring him to do sexually pleasing stuff to you while he is locked up and denied pleasure.

In a way, despite the sexual frustration, your partner wants you to be “mean” to him. By this, I mean he wants you to keep his penis locked up. He wants you to make him wait, beg, and plead for orgasms. He wants you to tease him, to deny him orgasms, and to tease him some more until his arousal is so heightened he doesn’t think he can stand it a minute longer.

Does Chastity Mean We Won’t Have Sex Anymore

For women who enjoy penetrative sex with their partners, it may seem to lock your partner’s penis in a chastity device means you will never have sex anymore. That’s not the case at all. You may not only find yourself having better sex, but having sex much more often.

You can always make him give you oral sex, or use a vibrator or dildo on you until you’ve had all the orgasms you can handle. And he will love every minute of it, especially when you don’t allow him to ejaculate. Remember when I said the keyholder makes all the rules? That applies to sex as well as everything else about chastity.

You can choose to unlock your partner for sex at any time you wish. But you may not want to allow him to come every time or even most of the time. You can have what you want, but mostly you should make him stop before he climaxes. That way, you won’t have to re-start the whole seven-days of arousing building all over to allow his testosterone levels to climb again.

One thing won’t change about your partner. Anytime you allow him to orgasm, he will revert to the guy he was before when he didn’t pay enough attention to you or your needs. It will require at least seven days under lock and key after an orgasm before you will get back the attentive, affectionate, anxious to please guy you will grow to love.


Hopefully, I have explained the basics of what a chastity keyholder is, what it means to be a keyholder, and why you might want to become one for your partner. Of course, this post covers only the basics. There is always more to learn about keyholding. In fact, entire books are devoted to it. But it is my sincere hope you learned enough from this post that you now feel confident you can make an informed decision when your male partner asks you: “Will you lock me in a chastity device and be my keyholder?”