Tips For the Reluctant Wife (Or Partner)
I have recently updated this consistently popular post, So Your Husband Wants You to Lock His Penis in a Chastity Device, with new information.
In this post, I offer a bit of advice to the woman whose husband has shocked her with a startling request. He wants her to lock his penis in a chastity device. If that describes you, I understand why this can feel more than a little unsettling if not overwhelming. You’re a “normal” person, with what you thought was a “normal” husband, in a “normal” relationship, and now all of a sudden your husband or significant other wants you to become some sort of kinky dominatrix.
Part of the problem is, and trust me on this, when your husband or partner tried to explain his desire for chastity to you, probably he absolutely chose the wrong way to explain it. But don’t panic. Take a deep breath. The request isn’t nearly as bizarre as it might appear at first blush. You can get through this.
Chastity Devices and Why Men Want to Wear Them
This may not come as a surprise to you. If you’ve been married to or with your significant other long, you have probably already noticed his somewhat obsessive relationship with his penis. The point is we think about and fantasize about sex a lot and seem to want it all the time. When we can’t get it all the time, we are often prone to spending inordinate amounts of time getting ourselves off with masturbation. It’s not on purpose. Millions of years of evolution have wired us this way. It’s built into our DNA.
Making the problem even worse is that visuals of sexy, often scantily clad females are everywhere—on television, on the internet, and in real life, at the office, the gym, etc. Add to that mix the pornography industry which generates around $12 billion dollars in annual revenue (more revenue than the combined annual revenues of ABC, NBC, and CBS) that caters almost exclusively to the male sex drive. With these female visuals everywhere, it’s almost a lead pipe cinch that it can trigger for most men the “I want to have sex with that” response. Again, this is not entirely our fault.
Now try this. Imagine you’re sitting on the living room sofa with your husband or boyfriend, watching a favorite television program. Suddenly, he clears his voice, looks at you nervously, and blurts out something that shocks and maybe even confuses you a little. Something similar to this.
“I would like us to add chastity to our relationship. I want you to take complete control of deciding when and how we have sex and when and under what circumstances you allow me to touch myself or have an orgasm.”
“You want what?” you exclaim.
No one could fault you that such a revelation might take you completely by surprise. After all, if he’s like most guys, your partner has probably complained that you don’t have sex often enough, that you aren’t in the mood too often, and has shamelessly checked out other women when he was out with you. Maybe he spends an inordinate amount of time on the internet looking at porn. You may know, or at least suspect, he masturbates way too much. Now he is asking you to take complete control of his access to all sexual pleasure, to decide all aspects of your sex life together, and swears he will abide by your decisions. That’s a lot to take in.
If you’re anything like most women faced with such a revelation, you will have questions. Lots of questions. You will find it hard to believe your partner really wants this. In disbelief, you will probably start asking him question, trying to understand what prompted this. Making it even more confusing is that you may have never even heard of such a thing. What is chastity? Some kinky sex game?
Remember the look of relief that flashed across his face that was palpable once he realizes you were at least open to discussing chastity. He eagerly answered your questions and tried to explain (probably badly), more about what he wants and why. Typically, men find it hard to explain why they want chastity to their wives or girlfriends. He may not explain it perfectly. But might say something like chastity and having you take control is something he has fantasized about for some time and something that truly excites him.
Usually, it takes a guy a long time to work up the courage to tell his wife or girlfriend that he wants her to lock him in a chastity device and to take control of his access to all sexual pleasure. As important as it may be to him, as much as he wants it, he fears your rejection. And often, by the time he works up the courage to broach the subject with his partner, he has already secretly purchased a chastity device and experimented with it. And once the conversation begins, he will grow eager to show you the device, hoping you will better understand what it is and what he wants.
It might amaze you to learn that there are so many men today who wish to be locked in a chastity device and to hand over control of it to the woman in their life. When a woman agrees to such an arrangement, she becomes her partner’s keyholder. Wait! But what is a chastity device, anyway? Good question.
Before You Dismiss Chastity as Just Another Stupid Kinky Game
While there are complete chastity belts that lock around the waist available today, the type of device your husband or boyfriend is most likely telling you about is a simple affair consisting of a ring and a tube or cage affair. The ring goes over the base of the penis and around and beneath the scrotum. The tube or cage then slides over the penis, connects to the ring, and a lock secures the two components together.
Manufacturers and retails offer many styles of these devices, mostly online. They come in a variety of materials like plastic, stainless steel, and silicone and an array of colors. Once locked in place on the male genitals, a chastity device prevents a man from getting normal erections, from touching themselves, let alone masturbating, and from engaging in sexual intercourse.
Of course, if your husband or boyfriend comes to you and reveals out of the blue that he wants you to lock up his penis in one of these devices and to assume complete control of his genitals and sex life, at first blush it may seem a ludicrous proposition. You may feel tempted to dismiss it as just another weird, stupid, kinky sex game he has picked up from the internet. That’s understandable. Again, it is a lot to take in.
Women, as a rule, have calmer temperaments and better self control. Not as intensely sexually focused as many men often are, women might go for a week or even much longer without an orgasm and think nothing of it. You may have often thought men could probably accomplish so much more in life if they weren’t so obsessed with sex. And you would be right if you ever thought that. And that’s just one reason you shouldn’t just dismiss the request for chastity from your husband or boyfriend without giving the idea some serious consideration. If you think about it, your partner is offering you an incredible gift. So, before you give the idea of dismissing the idea of chastity out of hand, first ask yourself these questions.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Are you unhappy with how much attention your partner now pays you? Do you think that at least part of the problem is that he spends too much time surfing porn on the internet? Are you fed up with catching him ogling other attractive women when you’re out together? Has he admitted to you, or do you suspect he masturbates too much? Would you be willing to give up sexual intercourse with him, at least in the short term, if you got a lot more attention from him, including a lot more oral sex? Do you feel the initial excitement and romance have declined significantly and that you often feel dissatisfaction with your relationship? Are you willing to take control and put in some effort to make your relationship work in a new and exciting way? If you answered yes to these questions, maybe you should consider chastity for your husband.
How Does Chastity Work?
Agreeing to lock your husband or boyfriend in a chastity device and taking on the responsibility of becoming his keyholder isn’t beyond the capabilities of most women. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to sacrifice time to learn what is required to become an effective keyholder. There is much more to it than snapping the lock shut, forgetting all about it, and getting on with your life. It doesn’t quite work that way. If you adopt that approach, often called locked and forgot, neither of you will get any of the benefits that chastity offers.
Let’s be clear about one thing. At the beginning, most guys who ask their partner to lock them in chastity are almost exclusively focused on the fantasy rather than the reality of chastity. That’s okay because we can’t expect people to know what something is about until they have experienced it. Here is why this is important to understand. Should you agree to grant your partner’s wish and lock him in a chastity device, initially, he will be over the moon. Yet in as little as a few days, thanks to the normal male sexual response cycle, reality will raise its ugly head.
After orgasm and ejaculation, for most men, their sexual desire and arousal drops to their lowest levels. We’ve all seen it. Their interest in sex evaporates. Along with it, they shove romance and flirting roughly aside and other things occupy their minds. But, as we also know, those rascally men don’t stay disinterested in sex for long. Within 24 to 36 hours, their sexual desire slowly returns as their prostates refill. Guys may barely notice it at first, but by the second and third day after orgasm and ejaculation, their one-tracked minds again focus on sex and they are ready for some loving. You must prepare for this if you decide to become your partner’s keyholder. Because this is what usually happens.
After you lock him and he spends two or three days wearing the chastity device, he will probably start asking you to unlock him. If you refuse, he may become a little cool toward you. Over the next few days, he may grow steadily whinier until his begging to be unlocked will become intolerable. That won’t be much fun for you or him. If you take pity on him, unlock him, and let him out every third or fourth day to take care of himself, it may seem fine. But the whole chastity thing will be a bit of a letdown for you. If you’ve ever read or heard about all the benefits a woman should expect from keeping her man in chastity, you will wonder what everyone is raving about. That’s why you can’t fall into this trap.
If you agree to become your partner’s keyholder, before you snap the lock shut, stress to him chastity might be a game, but it’s a serious game with rules and you will make the rules. Tell him you will take chastity seriously because that’s what he says he wants. And if he shows he isn’t serious by begging for you to unlock him, getting whiny, complaining about feeling miserable, or indulging in other inappropriate behaviors, you will unlock him and forbid him to bring up chastity to you ever again.
He needs to understand you intend to take control, you’re serious, and you won’t take any crap. Do that and you can successfully guide him to the almost magical place that some call the “Goldilocks Phase.” Men reach that phase after about 7 to 10 days, where ever growing arousal and ever-intensifying desire produces sweet, pleasurable sensations that seem as if they will never end. This is where you want your locked partner spending his time, because this phase lasting 21 to 30 days is when chastity will benefit you and him the most.
Today an abundance of resources exist that explain everything you need to know about male chastity and keyholding. Here are three books I recommend, all written by women, that will teach you everything you need to know. I’ve provided Amazon links, but you can find these books at most major bookstores.
A Keyholder’s Handbook by Georgia Ivey Green
Tips & Tricks for Keyholders by Georgia Ivey Green
Practical FLR: Lessons for a Female Led Relationship by J. M. Scott
Both of the books by Georgia Ivey Green focus directly on male chastity and keyholding. If you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, you can even read both books free, as they are included in your membership. The book by J. M. Scott has only one chapter devoted specifically to male chastity, but in the book you will find a wealth of information about taking control of your relationship. Frankly, when you’re controlling a man’s orgasms, you’re controlling the man. And J. M. Scott will teach you how to do that most effectively.
The internet also has a wealth of information about male chastity and keyholding available for free. Unfortunately, a lot of it is wrong, worthless information based more on chastity fantasy than chastity reality. But a few great resources exist. I try to write posts that women and keyholders will find helpful regularly. But there are two other blogs that I highly recommend to women new to chastity and keyholding. Since women curate both blogs, the content comes from a woman’s point of view.
Emma, who curates Evolving Your Man, keeps her husband Kevin in chastity and has for many years. She is a dedicated researcher and writes interesting and authoritative posts on a variety of chastity and sexuality topics. The woman who publishes My Boy in Chastity details her experiences of guiding her husband’s chastity from the day he first asked her to lock him up and take control until the present. After a hiatus, she began posting again this year. On this blog, the most recent posts appear first. I recommend scrolling all the way to the beginning to start. That way you get the story from beginning to end.
So your husband wants you to lock his penis in a chastity device and you need answers. Hopefully, this post has helped you by answering a few and pointed you to other great resources you will find helpful.
Remember You Don't Have to Become Someone You're Not
Taking part in your partner’s chastity journey doesn’t mean you have to change. You don’t have to become some corset and stiletto-boots wearing dominatrix, or an amateur sex worker. Just be yourself and create your own style.
It doesn’t have to become a time suck and your life needn’t revolve around your significant other’s desire for chastity. You don’t have to be an expert at sexual teasing or spend loads of time learning how to become one. Some teasing is required to keep your husband’s arousal peaking, but there are plenty of simple ways to do that which don’t require a lot of time. I’ll do another post on that topic soon.