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How Not to Explain Male Chastity to Your Wife or Girlfriend

By Chaste on Friday, February 19, 2021

And a Few Tips on How to Do it Right

I’ve come across a good many websites offering advice to a guy on how to explain male chastity to his wife or girlfriend when he feels the time is right to bring up the subject and ask his partner to lock his penis in a chastity device.

The thing is, these websites are invariably written by men who seem not to understand that women with their intuitive nature will see right through these flimsy, ill-conceived strategies to win them over. Using many of the suggestions I’ve seen could doom your conversation to fail. Rather than win your partner over to the idea of chastity, you might only provoke a heated argument. Let’s have a look at some of the suggestions you should avoid using.

1. Wearing a chastity device will make me more attentive to your needs.

Guess how 99.9% of women will respond to this. “Why must I lock your cock in a chastity cage for you be more attentive to my needs? Why aren’t you already more attentive to my needs?”

Having an inattentive partner who only gives them his full attention when he wants sex is one of the top complaints on most every woman’s list of her partner’s shortcomings. That makes this first suggestion a potential land mine and a very bad idea. You’re admitting you aren’t nearly attentive enough to her needs while telling her if she gives you something you want, then you will work on the deficiency. A woman will see this for what it is immediately, a quid pro quo offer where the something you’re offering is something she should already be getting.

Sure, it’s true. If she locks up your cock, you will very likley be far more attentive to her needs. But don’t even go there. This argument will not help your cause.

2. Wearing a chastity device will make me more affectionate and loving and I'll desire you even more.

Here again is a statement that is probably true. It is an expected effect of chastity and orgasm denial. But, again, we are firmly in the territory of something you realize you have been remiss about, but you will only be motivated to improve if your wife or girlfriend gives you something you want. Is it really a good idea to use this argument with your partner? No, it is not.

3. Wearing a chastity device will make me less likely to look at other women and less tempted to cheat.

Seriously? Is there a guy who would really say this to his wife or girlfriend? Would it really sway a woman towards the idea of putting her man in chastity if he tells her he would stop looking lustfully at other women and less likley to have an affair. I don’t think so. And, trust me on this. She knows you look lustfully at other women and it bothers her. It isn’t a topic you should bring up while trying to persuade to her to agree to something you want. Similarly, telling her a hunk of steel or plastic dangling between your legs is all that might prevent you from cheating on her one day isn’t a good strategy.

4. If you lock me in chastity, I'll be more helpful around the house.

The female response? “Why aren’t you already helping around the house? Why must I continually nag you every time I ask you to do the smallest chore?” Enough said.

5. I'll do things for you like giving you a massage, brushing your hair, and giving you the best oral sex ever.

Do you really want her to ask why you don’t already occasionally do some of those lovely things for her? Because she will if you use this argument.

Factually, all of the things listed above are benefits your wife can reasonably expect that chastity and orgasm denial will give her. The problem is, they are all benefits she already has every right to expect from you and is probably not seeing often enough to suit her. That’s what makes them all bad arguments to use.

Understanding the Perspective of Your Wife or Girlfriend

As men, I sometimes believe we don’t truly understand how big an ask it is when we tell our significant others we have chastity desires and request they enforce our chastity. What often happens when we bring up the subject is they respond with something like,” Well, I see how this is going to benefit you. But what about me? What do I get out of it?”

That’s a perfectly reasonable response and so it’s something you must be ready for. But you have to be smart about describing how you being in chastity is going to benefit her. To do that, you must put yourself in your wife or girlfriend’s shoes.

I’m not suggesting you try to con your partner or try to manipulate her into getting on board with your chastity idea. You should be honest, but should present the benefits in a way where she clearly sees how putting you in chastity will benefit her.

Things to Say That Are More Aligned With Your Partner's Perspective

(1) Admit your shortcomings and explain that you want and need to learn how to serve your wife or girlfriend better in order to make her life easier and happier. Then explain you believe chastity can help you do that because it will remove the focus from your needs so you can learn to be the kind of husband or boyfriend she truly deserves.

(2) Admit that during sex in the past, you have come to understand you were too focused on getting the experience you wanted and not focusing enough on her needs and desires in the bedroom. Explain you want to learn how to better focus on what she wants to make her sex life more enjoyable and fulfilling. Add that wearing a chastity cage removes you from the equation which will help you learn to focus all your energy on her pleasure and desires during intimacy, and that her pleasure will become your pleasure.

(3) Admit that you have selfishly wasted too much energy on masturbation and wearing a chastity device will help you learn to reserve your energy for higher purposes, such as pleasing her.

(4) Tell her that having her enforce your chastity means you will receive guidance and constructive criticism from her about how to perform daily tasks and doing your fair share around the house which will reduce the burden of household chores for her. Tell her you welcome her assigning you chores she wants you to do.

These suggestions may seem similar to the five arguments listed previously that I advise against using. But here is the difference. What the first five strategies were really about was a man who wants something for him and his fetish and he’s disguising his desires and his needs as benefits for his wife. The last four suggestions are a more honest approach that clearly spell out the benefits the hoped for future keyholder can expect.

I can’t stress this enough. Once you have made the decision to share your chastity desires with your wife or partner, and have gathered the courage to initiate the conversation, honesty is the best policy. It’s perfectly fine to explain that you have been fascinated by the thought of wearing a chastity device for a while. You can even share some of your fantasies with her if you wish, as long as they aren’t fantasies she might find threatening or taboo. But mostly, you want to focus on how chastity will benefit her and the relationship.

Other Things to Avoid

One thing to keep in mind is your choice of words when raising the subject of your chastity desires. The words you choose to use will have a big impact on her receptiveness to the idea. Unless you and your significant other are already involved significantly in kink, avoid words like domination, submission, discipline, punishment, and slave. These are all terms that a woman who is largely in the vanilla camp when it comes to intimacy might find off-putting.

As you speak to her about chastity, don’t be forceful. Don’t push the idea of keyholding on her. And after you’ve said your piece, give her plenty of time to consider all you’ve said and to do her own research if she wants. Give her the opportunity to make up her own mind about your desires and the future of chastity in the relationship. That’s the only way she will ever develop a sense of ownership about her role as the keyholder.

Don’t tell her about your mental image of your ideal Dominatrix, or favorite submission scenario. She may not be able to relate such things to your relationship with her.

Don't Bring Up Other Kinky Fantasies Now

Sometimes guys have other sexual desires that they feel go hand in hand with chastity. One example is forced feminization. I’d recommend you don’t tell her you want to explore the sissy life when you first bring up the subject of enforced chastity because that is probably already going to be enough for your wife or partner to get her head around. The other things you may have in mind should wait until later. I’m all for honesty and transparency, but there is also such a thing as too much information.

Overall, agreeing to enforcing your chastity and acting as your keyholder must be your partner’s decision and not one she makes only to please you instead of something she really wants. That’s the only way chastity can be successfully introduced into your relationship.

In 2021, I am committed to posting more informative articles aimed at women whose husbands or boyfriends have brought up adding chastity to their relationships. That’s the focus of the next post.

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Know Thyself Before Having the Chastity Talk With Your Partner

By Chaste on Wednesday, February 17, 2021

7 Questions You Should Ask Yourself and Answer Before Having the Chastity Talk With Your Partner

To Know Thyself is the Beginning of Wisdom

Before you can expect your wife or girlfriend to understand your chastity desires, you must first understand them yourself. This may seem obvious, but the truth is too many guys are drawn more to the fantasy of enforced chastity than to the reality of it. They spend little if any real time reflecting on and coming to grips with their desires before bringing up chastity with their partners and asking them to lock them up.

You should be able to articulate responses to questions like those I’ll suggest in a moment before bringing up your chastity desires with your significant other because she may pose questions just like them in an attempt to understand why you want her to lock up your cock.

Asking yourself the questions below can help you clearly define your own chastity desires and needs which will better prepare you for discussing chastity with your partner.

To get the real benefit from these question, you must be brutally honest with yourself and willing to separate fantasy from reality. Think carefully about each question and give yourself time to fully answer each one.

1. Why do I want to be locked in chastity?

The desire to be dominated by a woman is one of the most common male sexual fantasies. That’s one reason why the idea of male chastity resonates so strongly with so many of us. And that’s why it’s so important to understand the difference between your fantasy desires and the practical realities of chastity before discussing your desires with your partner.

There’s nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies, but understanding how much of your desire for chastity is based on sexual fantasy can help you understand whether your fantasies are realistic.

2. What do I expect chastity to do for me?

Once you’ve seperated fantasy from reality, think about your expectations for chastity. Do you expect chastity will make you a better husband or partner by making you more loving and attentive? Is chastity a means of curbing masturbation which seems to have grown excessive? Do you have a wandering eye and chastity seems a good way to ensure that you remain faithful in your relationship?

There are no wrong answers here. It’s just good to know what your expectations are.

3. What is the maximum length of time I want to be locked up at a stretch?

Is chastity only something new and very exciting you want to add to your sexual repertoire and extends only to the bedroom? Or do you want it to encompass every day situations outside the bedroom?

Don’t make the mistake of telling your wife or girlfriend you want her lock you up and throw away the key when all you really want is to spend a few hours during the weekend with your cock locked before sex to spice things up in the bedroom.

4. Do I want to be dominated and subservient to my keyholder?

Do you desire only to submit sexually to your partner or do you want her to actually dominate you? Or do you want her to take charge in other ways and become the primary decision maker in your relationship. Do you want to serve her in other ways beyond the sexual?

This is important because unless your wife or girlfriend has an inner dominatrix itching to get out, dominance may not be her nature. People often confuse assertiveness with dominance and they aren’t they same thing. Almost every woman I’ve been in relationships was assertive, some of them extremely so. But none were dominant.

If your partner isn’t dominant, you won’t be able to teach her to become dominant, and she won’t be able to learn to be dominant from reading books. You can’t make someone into something they aren’t, not to mention your partner may have no desire to be dominant in the first place. If you’re expecting that, you are probably setting yourself up for disappointment. That doesn’t mean a woman who isn’t dominant can’t be an effective keyholder. It only means she may not be able to meet your needs for dominance in other areas.

5. Do I have a submissive nature?

If your partner has a dominant nature or is intrigued with the idea of exploring dominance to find out if she has a dominant bent, you must ask yourself if you have a submissive nature. If not, after your fantasies have been sated you may grow increasingly resentful of your partner’s exercise of dominance over you.

Not every guy who wants his partner to lock up his cock is submissive. A guy who isn’t might like playing the dominant-submissive game for awhile, but may tire of it quickly once the rubber meets the road and his partner takes charge and starts saying no when he feels desperate for sexual release.

6. Do I want to use chastity to spice things up in the bedroom, or do I want it to become a way of life?

You should have some idea about the answer to this question at the start. It doesn’t mean a guy who only wants to be locked up for short periods of time at the beginning won’t discover later that he wants permanent chastity. But unless you’re sure permanent chastity is what you want, never tell your partner it is.

If your wife or girlfriend agrees to lock you in a chastity device, she will soon start to see positive changes in you that benefit her and the relationship. Imagine the crushing disappointment she will feel when just as she starts seeing and appreciating the benefits of male chastity you tell her you’ve discovered it isn’t what you want after all.

Unless you know for sure, permanent or at least long-term chastity is what you want, make sure you ask only for a trial period when you do have the chastity talk with your partner.

7. In what situations do I most want to be locked up? Are there occasions I won't want to be locked up?

Do you only want to wear a cock cage when at home or all the time? Are there times you won’t want to wear a cage like when on vacations, or when you go to the gym, as two examples? Some women take to male chastity quickly once they start seeing the benefits.

Once your partner agrees to lock you up, she may have different ideas about how often and when she wants you caged that differ from your ideas.

Who Needs Frustration and Disappointment?

This isn’t an exhaustive list of questions, but looking deep inside yourself and answering these seven basic questions will go a long way toward having male chastity meet your expectations. That can keep a dive into chastity from disappointing you or your partner.

Guys must understand something. Unless your partner has a sexually adventurous side or kink is already part of the relationship, when you first bring up the subject of male chastity and orgasm denial, your wife or girlfriend is going to be surprised. She might even be shocked when you tell her of your intense desires and willingness to turn your sexual fantasies into reality. She may even be disgusted by the whole idea. In the world of most vanilla women, male chastity is not “normal” and her mind will likely scream, “No! NOT interested!”

But after some thought, and a few persuasive tactics from you, she may agree, at least to a trial. She might put aside all of her preconceived notions about cock cages and orgasm denial, and give it the old college try. Then she starts noticing some positive improvements in your day-to-day behavior, not to mention a spiced up sex life. She actually starts seeing some serious potential in this male chastity thing. “Hey, this could be a lot of fun. He’s much more attentive and nice to be around when he’s craving an orgasm.” She quickly makes the connection between your behavior and how badly you want to orgasm. You are willing to do anything to please her. Thanks to chastity, you’ve become the most perfect partner a girl could ever dream of or want.

Then reality rears its ugly head. You realize that chastity and being unable to orgasm as often as you were accustomed to leaves you feeling deprived. You start thinking the whole chastity thing is not really what you thought it would be. When you communicate that to your partner, she is legitimately frustrated. You wanted to play this weird chastity game and she gave it an honest effort. Now, just when she was beginning to really like all of the benefits chastity was bringing to the relationship, you don’t want to play any more. Imagine her frustration.

In summary, be sure about what you want, need, and expect from chastity before you ever bring in up. Like Socrates famously said, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” If you don’t answer questions like those I’ve proposed in advance, dipping your toe into male chastity can become an unmitigated disaster which may send shock waves throughout your entire relationship. In my experience, that situation is best avoided.

Next post, I’ll talk about what NOT to say when having the chastity talk with your significant other and asking your wife or girlfriend to lock up your cock.

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Breaking the Cycle of Excessive Masturbation With Male Chastity

By Chaste on Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have programmed males with the urge to have sex with as many partners as possible as often as possible to propagate the species. Thus, males are procreative creatures preoccupied with and driven to release ejaculate making the male orgasm linked inextricably with the procreative act.

It’s not that men consciously have sex because they want children, yet the result of the sex act is the emission of a fluid that is only good for that singular purpose.

Unlike males, women can orgasm purely for pleasure that has nothing to do with procreation. Still, it’s virtually impossible for men to orgasm without ejaculating semen, the bodily fluid useful only for procreation.

Something interesting about this is how humans differ from other primates when it comes to masturbation. Scientists tell us that humans aren’t the only animal species that masturbates. There have even been a handful of studies that tracked the masturbatory behaviors of nonhuman primates. The scientific studies show that masturbation to completion is an exceedingly rare phenomenon in other species with capable hands very much like our own.

Male Masturbation

As anyone who has ever been to a zoo probably knows, there’s no question that other primates play with their genitalia. But these diddling episodes seldom lead to an intentional orgasm. With human males, it is quite a different story. Masturbation is nearly always continued until orgasm and ejaculation of semen. Perhaps that’s because, as males, we are slaves to the evolutionary prime directive to release semen. One thing is certain. Among other animal species, humans are unique. We masturbate a lot, and nearly always, it leads to intentional orgasm.

Some guys masturbate more than others. There is no “normal” frequency. Some do it daily, some weekly, and some rarely. Several studies show that many men have difficulty abstaining from masturbation for more than seventy-two hours, even those who have partner sex available regularly.

To be clear, masturbation is healthy, and it has lots of positive health benefits, including stress relief, help to get to sleep, reduced tension, boosted immunity, and more. But as with any of the true pleasures in life, moderation is key. If you’re masturbating to an excessive degree, you run the risk of it not only interfering with your daily routine but your overall perception of life and fulfillment, too. You might even become obsessive about it.

The male sex drive can become dependent on your pattern of masturbation and sexual release (orgasm) frequency. If you masturbate and orgasm every day, your body gets used to that pattern. It’s not unlike a drug addiction, where you need to continually increase your dosage of the substance to experience the same pleasurable effects. Most guys would agree, the more often you masturbate, the less intense and satisfying the orgasms you experience. That’s largely due to the levels of two hormones—prolactin and dopamine.

Male Orgasm and the roles of Prolactin and Dopamine

Research indicates that prolactin levels increase following orgasm and are involved in a feedback loop that decreases arousal through inhibitory central dopaminergic and probably peripheral processes. “Orgasm can cause a significant spike in prolactin levels (approximately 10 to 15ng/ml) immediately after and upwards to 10-60 minutes later.” [1] This spike is dependent on ejaculation and does not occur under non-orgasmic arousal. This prolactin spike serves to suppress further sexual desires. As prolactin rises, dopamine is reduced as the two hormones can be seen as antagonistic to each other.

Dopamine is a hormone produced by the hypothalamus, a particularly well-publicized player in the brain’s reward pathway. It is released when we do things that feel good to us. During sex and masturbation, while we are receiving erectile stimulation, dopamine levels are high and motivate us to desire continued stimulation because it feels good. As long as dopamine remains high, sexual desire remains high.

Marnia Robinson, the author of Cupid’s Poison Arrow, refers to prolactin as the “I don’t love you anymore hormone” because an increase in prolactin usually makes a man less interested in having sex with a partner. Interestingly, orgasm and ejaculation from masturbation cause less of a spike in prolactin than intercourse with a partner. That may explain why a guy may not feel the desire to have sex with a partner but then stays up watching porn and masturbating after their partner goes to bed.

Are You Masturbating Too Much?

While there is no “normal” masturbation frequency, it’s clear that masturbation frequency becomes excessive at some point. That is particularly true when you are neglecting other areas of your life to spend time masturbating. Here are some of the most common indicators of excessive masturbation.

Modifying your daily life to engage in masturbation even when there are negative outcomes (missing work, school, family, and community responsibilities).

Choosing masturbation over work, school, spending time with your family, sex with your partner, and other responsibilities regularly.

Feeling deregulated, irritable, frustrated, and angry when masturbation is not an option because you’re unable to regulate your mood in the absence of sexual activity.

The frequency of your need to masturbate continues to increase.

Trouble concentrating because you’re losing sleep due to masturbating or watching internet pornography.

Engaging in risky behaviors while masturbating to fulfill sexual desires (voyeurism, masturbating in public places).

Excessive masturbation is often marked by a constant need to expand your sexual activities. For example, you might feel compelled to incorporate more elements of danger into your sex life for more of a thrill or need to seek increasingly hard-core pornography to reach an orgasm.

Masturbation and sex are two different practices, and so are porn and real-life sex. Porn is not a representation of how most people have sex in real life. Excessive masturbation and porn watching can make it difficult for you to maintain realistic expectations about what you see in porn vs. what you expect from partners in real life. That can harm your relationships and sex life.

Benefits of Curbing Masturbation and Frequent Ejaculation

Masturbation can be a surprising source of procrastination. Reducing that distraction can allow you to get more done on more worthwhile activities.

Reducing masturbation frequency can help you connect more physically and emotionally with your partner, improving your relationship.

Less masturbation can lead to less porn consumption, which we all know can be a real time suck.

How Male Chastity Can Help

Nothing is harder when trying to break a habit than going cold turkey. That’s why when I decided to give up smoking, I turned to vaping. Sure, vaping may not be a healthy choice either, but it seems better than smoking. Plus, since I started vaping, I don’t feel the urge to vape nearly as much as I did to smoke. You can similarly use chastity to help you break out of an overly frequent masturbation cycle. While wearing a chastity cage, there is no way to stimulate yourself, and you will probably avoid porn like the plague.

The first few days are a challenge, but after five to seven days, you actually start to enjoy the buzz of constant arousal as your brain marinates in dopamine. Also, with your penis no longer an option for a quick pleasure fix, you may very well discover stimulating other neglected parts of your body feels pleasurable.

Spending a day at work locked in a chastity device can be a great way of getting in the mood for an evening in, providing a constant, unforgettable reminder of who you will be going home to. It’s a sexy secret you’ll share with your partner, however far apart you might be. If you prefer, you can prolong the chastity further—a few days at a time works well as a means of getting all hot and bothered in anticipation of a weekend with your partner. Male chastity is fantastic as an occasional way for spicing up your sex life, or you can make it a regular part of your erotic repertoire. It’s all up to you and your partner.

Alternatively, you may wish to consider longer-term chastity. Once your body adjusts to a chastity device, there’s no reason why you can’t wear one all the time aside from the occasional break for hygiene purposes.

A desire to curb excessive masturbation and reduce porn consumption is one of the top reasons men turn to chastity. If that’s a concern for you, perhaps you should consider giving chastity a try.

Cut to the Chaste is here to help. You’ll find tips and best practices on the site like this post that outlines a chastity device wearing schedule that will help your body quickly and safely adjust to wearing a chastity cage.

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The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Male Chastity

By Chaste on Friday, May 29, 2020

My labor of love, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Male Chasity, is now in editing. It will be released on Amazon July 14, 2020. In the future I may make the book available on the sites of other online booksellers. But for at least the first six months it will be available exclusively on Amazon so that it can be offered free to those who subscribe to Kindle Unlimited. The book will also be published simultaneously in trade paperback.

I have attempted to put together a comprehensive guide with everything you need to know in one place about male chastity in the 21st century. When I first got involved with chastity, I couldn’t find a book like this. I still can’t. There are books for new keyholders, books for male chastity within the dynamics of full on female led relationships, books on chastity devices, and tons of male chastity erotica. So, I decided to write the kind of book I wish had been available when I was new to chastity.

I have divided The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Male Chastity into two parts. Part 1 is aimed at guys interested in learning more about male chastity who are considering trying it. I have devoted Part 2, to women whose male partners have asked their wives and partners to put them in chastity devices and to become their keyholders.

Want to know more? You can click on the “Chastity Guide” tab on the menu above to go to the book’s page on this website, or you can visit the Amazon product page.

Note: The free preview link below will not show a preview until July 14 since the title is currently on pre-order status.