Discovering Submission

I’m not a natural submissive. No, seriously. I’m not. I want to be in control. In years past, I was active in the BDSM community as a dominant. Back then, I had a wise dominant female friend who once told me that no one is completely anything. She said that there is a mixture of dominance and submission in everyone. And even if a person is mostly one thing, there is still a latent percentage of the other lurking about waiting for the right person to come along who knows how to access it. I wasn’t sure I believed my friend’s theory. Not until Lucie came along. Lucie knows how to access that submissive nature part of me that I never believed existed. And it’s ridiculous how easily she does it.

Lucie has been in fine form this week. Today, she gave me an assignment that left me insanely horny. But, this past Sunday, she gave me an assignment that I absolutely did not want to do, and knew would not turn me on. I was sure it would not only not turn me on, it would make me angry if she made me do it. I almost said to her, “No, I really don’t want to do what you said.” But then I thought I should adopt a more diplomatic approach because I know that “no” is not a word that dominants suffer gladly. I considered my options.

There were a number of possible responses that I ticked off mentally. I could have pled with her, and begged her to change her mind. Or I could have explained, calmly and rationally, why it would not be a good idea for me to do that thing. Of course, I could have told her I’d do it if she insisted, but asked her to take into account my extreme unwillingness. But before I could decide, it occurred to me that what she had told me to do did not violate any of the limits I gave her at the outset. She had required me to list them before agreeing to play with me. So, I took a deep breath, and said,” Yes, Mistress. Thank you, Mistress.” Then I just did the thing, without hesitation, though I didn’t pretend to enjoy it.

I was right about doing the thing. I didn’t like doing it. In fact, I hated it. And as I predicted, got angry as soon as I started. And I may have said some bad words. Maybe, a lot of bad words. But only I heard them. I sure didn’t say them to Lucie. I spent half the day doing the thing, but mercifully I finished it finally and sent her a text telling her I had finished as she told me to do. She dialed me up for another video call and I provided the proof I’d done the thing, following all of her detailed instructions. Then, it got weird. She praised me effusively and told me she knew I didn’t want to do the thing and that’s why she had told me to do it.

“It was a test,” she said. “I will never make you do something that might harm you, mentally or physically, is outside your capabilities, or violates the boundaries of your limits. But, other than that, if it’s something that I want, and I know you can do it, even if you don’t like it, after I’ve considered what you have to say, you will do it. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Mistress.”

“Good boy,” she said.

None of that was the weird part. The weird part was what I realized and how I felt after we said goodbye and ended the video call. I realized I have truly and deeply submitted to Lucie and there is very little in my life I care about more than serving and pleasing her. I’m not just pretending to submit for fun or role playing it to get my selfish fantasies enacted. I am truly submissive to her.

Sure, I know. Those who have wives or intimate partners as their keyholders, “real keyholders,” will say that a virtual relationship like mine is only fantasy. It’s not real. I don’t disagree with that completely.

I’m a pragmatist and a realist. I know virtual isn’t the same as real life. But you know what? Parts of it are real, as real as it gets. I am really submitting to a dominant woman, and I find it hugely meaningful and centering. She keeps me perpetually horny and suffering more than a little sexual frustration. I know when she says “good boy” it has all the feels. All of that is certainly real. And my desire to serve and please her, albeit in the tiny ways possible in a virtual environment, is real. I also know Lucie is very good at what she does. Scary good. And as Emerson once wrote, “What I need is someone who will make me do what I can.” Lucie is that person for me. That’s real enough for me.