Quite often I see it suggested in forum discussions and blogs about male chastity that orgasm denial is not only the height of it but the whole point of chastity. Sentiments to the effect that we shouldn’t even call it chastity but enforced orgasm denial. Though I agree orgasm denial powers much of the experiences that we derive from it, I think there is a lot more to chastity than just orgasm denial.
To begin with, let’s define what orgasm denial means. Concisely put, it is the practice of delaying or denying orgasm to either oneself or a partner during some sexual activity. Whether we’re approaching it from the perspective of ancient texts such as the Kama Sutra, or the view from BDSM, which in modern times has played a significant role in popularizing and normalizing orgasm denial, many people engage in the practice for its various benefits. Having more intense and pleasurable orgasms later on after building up your sexual desire by delaying gratification is but one of the physical and psychological benefits of orgasm denial.
Psychologically, orgasm denial can serve as a form of power exchange between partners, with one person taking control and the other submitting. It can also be a way to explore and push boundaries, as well as to deepen intimacy and trust in a relationship. There are various ways to practice orgasm denial, with edging, teasing, and total denial being some of the more common techniques. There are a lot of ways to incorporate orgasm denial into a relationship. One of those ways is using a chastity device.
Male Chastity
Here the focus is on male chastity, not only because that is the subject of this blog. It’s also because men are more interested in practicing chastity than women. Not to say there aren’t chastity belts women can wear. There are and some women enjoy wearing them and practicing chastity, but the numbers are not even close to the number of men who want to wear chastity devices.
Having some experience with subjecting women to orgasm denial in the context of dominance and submission, here is what I’ve observed. With only a few exceptions, I have observed that women don’t enjoy long periods of orgasm denial. Most, after only a short period, become irritable, disagreeable, and frustrated.
Instead of increasing sexual desire, persisting with orgasm denial past a certain point causes women to lose all interest in sexual activity. Many men, on the other hand, thrive when denied orgasms for long periods and for them, desire rises and can remain at high levels consistently for weeks as long as they receive regular teasing. While I have no human sexuality research training or qualifications, I suspect from what I’ve observed, the difference in response to orgasm denial is simply a product of the difference between the male and female libido. And that is why the practice of chastity is more popular with men than women.
Too Much of a Good Thing
I respond to orgasm denial in the same way as most males. When wearing a chastity device and denied, my desire rises and stays at a high level for weeks on end with consistent teasing. I find that pleasurable because desire feels good. Yes, I also experience frustration, but it’s a sweet form of torture. I take a lot longer to reach it than women, but eventually, just like women, I too arrive at a point when the denial goes on too long where my desire falls and I lose interest in sexual activity.
At least in my experience, there comes a point when orgasm denial can become too much of a good thing and no longer feels pleasurable. When that happens, no amount of teasing increases my desire. That doesn’t change until I orgasm and my body resets. Then I’m ready for another round. That is one reason I have never viewed orgasm denial as the be all and end all of chastity as some do. To me, chastity and wearing chastity devices specifically are more about orgasm control than orgasm denial. While some conflate them, permanent chastity and permanent denial are not the same thing.
Orgasm Control Versus Orgasm Denial
It’s actually difficult to find an accurate definition of orgasm control with a web search these days, which wasn’t true when I first got involved in kink. Why? Because these days, most people treat orgasm control and orgasm denial as if the terms are interchangeable. They aren’t. In the context of male chastity, orgasm control can include orgasm denial, but it is so much more than just that. Orgasm control can mean any of several sexual activities involving delaying, denying, allowing, or even forcing orgasm, sometimes in combination. Viewing male chastity as nothing more than total orgasm denial is at best a myopic perspective. Yet more and more people embracing the male chastity kink are simultaneously embracing this point of view.
Among the male wearers of chastity devices, crowing about how many months or years have passed since your last unlock and last orgasm or when your partner last allowed you to have sex with them have become the currency of the various forums and blogs devoted to male chastity discussions. For more and more keyholders, from spouses to partners to professionals, the mantra is to keep your male permanently locked and denied. This is the cornerstone of happiness for both you and him. Many keyholders believe it best to strike a balance between keeping their male completely denied while not extinguishing all hope that he might at some future time gain sexual release. Meanwhile, the keyholder gets her sexual needs met by her dedicated male pleasuring her whenever and however she wants it, or better yet, by cuckolding him and having another less submissive and better endowed male pleasuring her sexually. I think this total orgasm denial approach is the way where madness lies and it is also more the stuff of fantasy than reality.
Could Orgasm Control Chastity Be the More Realistic Approach?
By definition, wearing a chastity device with another holding the keys means ceding control of both your penis and your access to sexual pleasure and orgasms to another. And for it to work, you must allow the keyholder to exercise control or else the entire arrangement is a sham and unworkable. But giving up such control does not mean you’ve acquiesced to a permanent orgasm embargo.
Like any kink, chastity requires the consent of both parties. I’m fine with wearing a chastity device and surrendering control to a keyholder on a more or less continuous basis. But I don’t see the wisdom of consenting to never getting an orgasm or even getting only one or two per year. That’s because I know that’s unrealistic.
I know that when orgasm denial goes on for too long, my arousal plateaus and no amount of teasing will revive it. Absent those powerfully pleasing feelings of constant heightened arousal, I will no longer desire chastity. In fact, I will grow to resent it. Yes, I understand a keyholder may much prefer the locked and denied me over me who has had an orgasm recently. But I know she will also not prefer the plateaued me that she has kept in denial for too long when I become resentful, surly, and uncooperative.
Yes, she is entitled to exercise the control I’ve surrendered to her. She may deny me at her whim, but only within reason, for both our sakes. That’s why a wise keyholder employs all the tools from the orgasm control arsenal, not just continual total denial. I think orgasm denial in chastity is best thought of in terms of delay rather than complete negation. While the keyholder most definitely should decide the when, it should never be a question of if regarding a chastised male’s opportunity to orgasm. That doesn’t mean she should allow orgasms liberally, but should allow them regularly.
Length of Denial Best Practices
There is a school of thought shared by many experienced keyholders I agree with. Once a male has acclimated to wearing a chastity device more or less comfortably for an extended period, the initial lockup period should be 90 days. That is the minimum time necessary to give him an experience like none he has ever had before. And at the end of the 90 days, when the keyholder, after lots of teasing, finally lets him cum, it will happen quickly and feel almost too intense for his body to handle. The 90 days will also allow him time to truly embrace chastity and for the keyholder to establish her authority.
After the initial lockup, I see no valid reason for a keyholder to keep her male locked and denied for over three months ever again. There are different views about how often a keyholder should allow her male to cum after the initial denial period. But the measure used should be weeks, not months and definitely not years if a keyholder and her male expect the best results.
For a younger male, the keyholder may let him have an orgasm about once a week. That’s still a large reduction for someone who probably masturbated to orgasm daily besides any sex he enjoyed. For keyholders with older males, the period between orgasms might be about 14 days, 21 days, or even a month. It should never be exactly the same number of days because the keyholder doesn’t want her male to predict when she will allow him an orgasm. And it needn’t always be a full, unrestricted orgasm.
Ruined orgasms can work just as well without decreasing the male’s level of arousal much at all. Yet a ruined orgasm will prevent his arousal from plateauing, which a keyholder should always want to avoid.
Establishing the proper interval between orgasms is a function of observation. After the initial 90-day lockup and first release, a keyholder need only observe her male after relocking him to see how long he stays in that “sweet spot” of increased focus and attentiveness. Once he becomes surly or resentful, even with consistent teasing, that shows it is time she should allow him a release or some type.
Another technique a keyholder can use is milking (stimulating the prostate gland until the male expresses prostate fluid). Milking accomplished a similar purpose as ruined orgasms, avoiding plateauing while only modestly lowering a male’s arousal. He won’t have to start over at ground zero before his desire peaks again. Yet another tactic a keyholder can use is allowing only an in cage orgasm with the application of a powerful vibrator to the cage. Many men describe in cage orgasms as feeling similar to ruined orgasms. That’s because it’s an orgasm in the absence of a full erection. These alternative techniques help the occasional full, unrestricted orgasm to remain something special for the male, allowed by the keyholder only on special occasions.
Total Denial Chastity May Not Be Healthy
Having read many chastity forum and blog posts, I’ve noticed something I find disturbing. It seems many men kept in near total orgasm denial develop almost a version of Stockholm syndrome, a condition seen in hostage-taking, kidnapping, and abusive relationships.
The power imbalance is so great and the psychological connection between the chastised male and keyholder so profound that the male grows so sympathetic to his keyholder’s needs and desires he loses the ability to consider his own. He believes he is unworthy of even having penetrative sex with his spouse or partner because his penis is inadequate to give her the pleasure and satisfaction she deserves. This makes him feel unworthy of even engaging in self-pleasure or of having orgasms.
From there, it becomes quite easy for him to rationalize his keyholder has every right to get her sexual gratification from another, more well-endowed male capable of satisfying her. He not only approves of it, but encourages it and some will eagerly help procure more worthy sexual partners for their wife or partner. And these days, there are plenty of books and blogs written by FLR advocates who encourage keyholders to embrace cuckolding and give them tips on how to sell the idea to their chastised males.
Just like the actual Stockholm syndrome, this chastity version brought about by total denial chastity is unhealthy, bordering on abuse. There are powerful, naturally produced chemicals circulating in the brains of a man denied orgasms for an extended period. I’m convinced the longer this goes on, the less able a man is to make good decisions on his own behalf. After all, these same chemicals have given rise to the maxim that “men think with their penis” justified because many men, during times of extreme sexual arousal, often make poor decisions that they end up regretting in the interest of sexual gratification. I think there can come a point where a denied male isn’t even capable of giving informed consent. Could this explain the current rising popularity of cuckolding and feminization in chastity circles?
For me, the best and healthiest approach is to separate chastity fantasy from chastity reality. And doing that means not viewing male chastity as the zero-sum game of total denial (or near to it) as the pinnacle of the chastity experience. Instead, I believe it’s orgasm control that should be the focus. It isn’t up to me to prescribe a right way or judge a wrong way of doing chastity. Here I’m speaking only about myself. And I believe there is a lot more to chastity than just orgasm denial. At least, I think there should be.
