Recently I read an interesting blog post written by a dominant woman who struggled to understand why so many men get turned on by wearing chastity devices and by orgasm control and denial. I realized that might be something useful to discuss here because I know this woman isn’t the only woman who doesn’t understand why men desire chastity.
One reason this blog post interested me was that the woman who wrote it is a dominant woman. She notes that she fully understood why a femdom wants to control her submissive man’s orgasms and says it’s something she had always done. What she didn’t understand was why so many cock controlled men and wannabe locked men actually want a woman to take control of their penis and to deny their orgasms. If she, a kinky dominant woman who already understands and uses orgasm denial, is confused, just imagine how confused the average vanilla woman whose partner just asked her to add chastity to the relationship must feel.
Then she posed a question. “What is it about your orgasm that makes having it controlled by your partner so desirable to you?”
The Motivation Isn't the Same for Everyone
Of course, ten guys might give her ten different answers because we’re all unique. Chastity and orgasm control and denial don’t mean the same thing to all of us who enthusiastically wear chastity devices. Some guys simply fetishize chastity devices and even get erect just trying to put one on. Others enjoy the restrictive sensations of wearing a chastity device. It’s almost like penis bondage. And for still others, like me, it’s all about the orgasm control and denial. Wearing a chastity device simply elevates orgasm control and denial to a whole other level.
I can’t speak for every chastity enthusiast, but I can answer this woman’s question from my viewpoint by explaining why I desire chastity. I can’t answer her question directly since she will probably never read this post because she stopped posting on her blog in June 2018. But maybe other women with the same questions about why men desire chastity will read this post and understand more about the male attraction to chastity. But before I give my answer, let’s examine why women have such a difficult time understanding why men desire chastity.
Women Don’t Understand Male Libido
As I read this woman’s post, I understood quickly why she doesn’t understand chastity. She doesn’t understand the male libido. Consider this question she poses. “Is the male’s need to play with himself, to masturbate, and to ejaculate so much different from a woman’s need?” Later, she speculates, “I can only assume that there’s something very different about a male’s need to orgasm than a woman’s.” Here is her error.
She views male sexuality through the female lens as all women do. She and most other women think they understand male libido, but they don’t. They believe women and men are the same because that is a core tenant of feminism. The fundamental assertion of feminism is that women are equal to men, and equal not as counterparts to men, but in every respect. That includes sexuality. That’s why women assume men think about sex all the time, play with themselves and masturbate more than women do because men just don’t exercise self control like women do.
Ever heard a woman say something like, “Men are controlled by their penis,“ or “Men think with their penis,” or “All men think about is doing something sexual to make their penis happy.” Most women believe men are obsessed with their penis and spend far too much time playing with themselves, masturbating, and ejaculating. And women attribute all this to men refusing to exercise self control. Men are irresponsible. They truly believe all this. Why?
It’s a Limited Frame of Reference Issue
It’s not their fault women don’t understand male sexuality. How could they? They see the world through the female lens because they are women, just like men see the world through the male lens because they are men. It’s a limited frame of reference issue. I’ll readily admit I understand nothing about female libido because I’m not a woman. But after having had what I consider a representative sample of intimate encounters with women, I know from simple observation one thing is certain. The female libido and the male libido are not the same. Actually, I don’t think they could be more different.
Women exercise self-control. Their vagina doesn’t control them. They don’t think with their sex organ, therefore women are responsible. Sure, they like sex sometimes under the right circumstances and some masturbate, but few do with the frequency men do. Women aren’t like men. The female libido is not like the male libido. Not that the male libido is superior or better. It’s just different. That’s because evolution or nature, however one wishes to put it, assigned women and men different roles.
Evolution Made Us Different
Evolution assigned males the imperative to ensure the survival of the species. That’s why we are the way we are. That’s why we find it harder to exercise self-control, why we feel such a powerful urge to orgasm and ejaculate frequently. It’s not entirely our fault. That’s how evolution wired us sexually. And of course, women and men aren’t wired the same way.
Established physiological reasons exist that explain why the female and male libidos are different, and it is about neurotransmitters and the part of the human brain and the limbic system called the “reward center.” There are three primary actors – dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin. This isn’t a post aimed at explaining the human sexual response cycle scientifically, so I will not get too far into the weeds here. But suffice it to say that the manner in which dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin rise and fall before, during, and after orgasm differs greatly between men and women. That’s because the female menstrual cycle largely drives the sexual response cycle of women and the rise and fall of their dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin levels.
Why the Science Matters
The manner in which dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin rise and fall before, during, and after orgasm with men explains why men like me want to wear chastity devices because chastity takes orgasm control and denial, something I enjoy, to a whole other level. Elevated desire itself becomes pleasurable. It doesn’t work that way for most women.
Subjecting the average woman to orgasm denial quickly only makes her feel frustrated, and then angry, and if it continues, she loses all interest in anything sexual. Women know that. Just as the blogger says in the post, she can’t even imagine a woman begging for enforced chastity or to wear a chastity device. Of course not. The female libido doesn’t respond to it the way the male libido does.
I suspect with all men who desire chastity, even if it’s motivated initially by a chastity device fetish or the desire for penis bondage sensations, the effects of orgasm denial are also a part of the attraction. The orgasm denial effects are a big part of it for me. But not only from a sexual pleasure standpoint. The constant, elevated arousal also stimulates my submissive nature, and the more aroused I become and the longer it persists, the more submissive I feel toward my keyholder. That’s truly the part of it I like and want most. And I also crave the control aspect of it. I want to feel her control, her ownership of my penis and my orgasms.
I can’t say I ever lose the desire to orgasm, but I stop craving a release because I know from experience once I come and ejaculate, I drop out of that intense, pleasurable submissive headspace and it takes five to seven days before I return to it again. That’s why, when a keyholder allows me to come, I much prefer a ruined orgasm over an unrestricted one. A ruined orgasm shortens the refractory period and I lose little in terms of those powerful submissive feelings. Instead of five to seven days to get back to where I was pre-orgasm, it only takes a day or two.
Is the Male Desire for Chastity Motivated by Selfishness?
The blog post writer poses one last interesting question at the end. She prefaces the question by saying as a dominant woman, she would much prefer it if locking up a man’s cock was torture for him, not something that he found a turn-on. That seems logical from a femdom perspective, especially if the woman has a sadist streak. Then she asks the question. “Are we just doing you a favor by giving you exactly what you want?” The answer is yes, but it is more complicated than that. We could say it is transactional in that women give us what we want by locking up our penis, but they get benefits from doing it too.
Whether or not you have a submissive nature, the effects of extended orgasm denial will affect you mentally and emotionally. Your focus will change. Instead of selfishly focusing on your needs and desires and having them met, you will increasingly focus on your keyholder. Her needs and desires will become more important to you. The rising levels of dopamine drives that and your elevated sexual desire becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you know your keyholder is the only person on the planet able to give you what you desperately want.
If women want to understand what motivates the male desire for chastity, they must first accept female libido and male libido are not the same. Evolution has programmed us differently, and your knowledge of female sexuality is useless in helping you understand male sexuality. Women and men are equal as human beings, but we are not the same and will never be the same sexually. Expecting men to behave more like women and telling them to exercise more self control will never change the things men do that irritate women. More women need to understand that the male desire for chastity and orgasm control and denial are tools women can use to their advantage to improve male behavior.
Chastity doesn’t magically transform me into someone I’m not, but I believe firmly that chastity makes me the best version of me I can possibly be. And that’s why I desire chastity.
Quick reminder for those who have been thinking about getting a Cobra chastity device, or another Cobra device. The Kink3D Black Friday and Cyber Monday Sale started this morning and runs through 27 November.
To be honest, I still think the prices of Cobra chastity devices are a little too high, but the 20% discount Kink3D is offering made the price of a second Cobra slightly easier to swallow. I took advantage of the infrequent Kink3D sale and ordered a Fusion Pink Cobra N+ this morning along with a matching Airlock accessory.
Honestly, I’ve vacillated for days between getting a second Cobra or the White Hera I have my eye on at House of Denial. I only decided this morning. The availability of the Airlock tipped my decision in favor of the Cobra.
House of Denial is working on an accessory that will allow use of plastic numbered tags with the Hera, but it isn’t yet available. Amanda strongly prefers the use of the plastic locks directly on the device and at the moment, Kink3D is the only option.
It disappointed me to learn the expected arrival date is December 4. Even choosing the expedited shipping option didn’t change the date. I suppose I should have expected it. I’m sure the Kink3D team is taking the same 4-day Thanksgiving holiday as most people are and will probably face a tsunami of orders when they return to work Monday morning thanks to the sale. But hopefully, Amanda will allow me to change out devices as soon as my new Cobra hits the mailbox.
Meanwhile…
If you, like me, are observing NOvember (also known as No Nut November), we’re on the home stretch, down to the last week. So far, not a single nut for me this month except for those in a slice of Pecan Pie yesterday. And it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas with no nuts either. Stay strong, my friends.
