female perspective on male chastity Archives

Caged boys behaving badly. What’s the key holder to do?

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post aimed specifically at key holders. So, today I’m going to do that after reading a post on another chastity site about a woman who had contacted the blogger for advice. After agreeing to lock her husband and to become his key holder, her caged boy was misbehaving, and she felt unsure what to do about it. This is a common issue, especially for those new to chastity and the responsibilities of being a key holder. So, let’s talk about it.

But I Gave Him What He Asked For

The circumstance of the woman asking for advice mentioned in the blog post I read was this. Her husband had recently come to her with a request that had shocked her. He explained he wanted her to lock his penis in a strange little plastic device and to not only take complete control over their sex life, but his access to all sexual release. She explained his request not only caught her completely off guard, but confused her. This was the same man who had complained for years they didn’t have enough sex.

The woman’s husband had pointed her to a few websites and reluctantly she agreed to research chastity and to then decide if she would incorporate it into their relationship.

The information on the websites her husband recommended and a few she found on her own extolled the benefits for wives and partners, who locked their men in chastity devices and took charge of the keys. She admitted she suspected the motivation behind her husband’s request for chastity was only his desire to add a kinky sex game to their relationship. But the benefits had sounded good, if maybe a little good to be true. Nevertheless, a few days after his request, she agreed to try chastity and soon locked him in a chastity device.

She thought that was the end of the matter, believing the whole idea of the chastity cage was to lock her husband in it until she decided to take it off. It seemed simple. However, as it had turned out, in practice, there was far more to it than that.

Her husband was happy as a clam for the first few days, although he had been a little grumpy by the end of the second day. But by about the fourth day, he became much more attentive and went out of his way to make her feel special. But by the end of the first week, he became moody, complaining, and even a little resentful. Not only that, he talked incessantly about chastity and how it made him feel and then asked her to look at some other websites that explained about the teasing that was supposed to go with the denial.

After looking at the websites that talked about teasing and denial, she realized her husband hadn’t fully explained what he expected from chastity but only what he had believed would convince her to agree to locking him in the chastity device. And while she had agreed to that, she hadn’t agreed to become her husband’s live in dominatrix. Why wasn’t he satisfied with the wearing the stupid cage? Hadn’t she given him what he asked for?

Understanding the Locked Male's Perspective

First, let’s look at the male perspective when a guy is locked in a chastity device. I think it helps a key holder to know what is going on in his head, although that doesn’t obligate her to do anything unless she wishes. Later, I’ll offer some tips about what to do with caged boys behaving badly.

When a guy wears a chastity device, his focus is on that cage constantly. at all times. Wearing the locked device impacts him in multiple ways besides just stifling his erections and denying him orgasms. Even if it’s a plastic device, it still has weight to it and produces compression of his penis. It forces him to sit rather than stand to urinate. It makes him feel self-conscious about whether others notice the device beneath his clothing. Often the ring and cage or tube chafes his tender bits at least a little. The device forces him to alter his gait a little when walking and may make it uncomfortable for him to sit as he has been accustomed to. It can alter his sleeping habits. In short, to him, wearing a chastity device produces the feeling he is enduring something, suffering something for your benefit and sacrificing a most basic freedom, access to his penis. He is physically and mentally aware of these feelings day and night.

For you, the key holder, you lock the lock and get on with your life. There is nothing to make you aware of your man’s suffering. Your daily routine doesn’t undergo any changes. For you, there are no constant physical reminders of the chastity. For you, nothing changes except that he is no longer bargaining with you or pestering you for sex all the time.

The suffering is part of the allure of the male chastity fantasies. He suffers while his key holder blithely goes about their day. The key holder gains all the freedom, and the locked boy gets all the suffering and sexual frustration that accompanies denial. In reality, he may want to suffer for you and may even find it arousing. But he wants assurance he isn’t alone in the dynamic. He needs to feel your involvement. That you, his key holder, are aware of his suffering and intentionally making him suffer for you. He doesn’t just want the denial. He wants to know you are deliberately denying him.

The locked male is constantly feeling the burdens of the device and continually focused on them, but naturally, the key holder doesn’t and isn’t. That creates a disconnect. He wants you to be aware of what he is enduring so that you will not only recognize the power the device gives you, but will leverage it to exploit the helplessness he feels. That’s one reason he craves the teasing. Teasing gives him assurance you are aware of the extent of his plight and the sacrifices he is making for you. Teasing also heightens his desire and arousal and that helps mute the sexual frustration and can make his suffering feel fulfilling and worthwhile.

In the absence of teasing, he feels even more compelled to share how chastity makes him feel, especially when not asked. He feels a great need to emphasize his sexual frustration and highlight his suffering to encourage you to show physically or verbally how much you enjoy his suffering for your sake. That’s because such will continue to drive his arousal and he craves that.

Now that we’ve covered the mindset of your locked boy, what should you do when he misbehaves?

Addressing Misbehavior

Caged boys behaving badly can range from sharing his thoughts about chastity and how he is suffering incessantly to being annoyingly cranky, moody, or downright passive aggressive to complaining you aren’t providing the teasing he craves and needs to guilt you into giving him what he wants.

First, if you haven’t already done so, borrow and repurpose the first rule of the Fight Club from the movie of the same name. Tell your locked male: “The first rule of chastity is you do not talk about chastity,” (unless you wish to bring it up). The only exception should be health and safety issues such as the device is causing him actual pain or impairing blood circulation.

If he becomes moody or grumpy or acts out in a passive-aggressive behavior, do two things. Remind him he asked for chastity and you were kind enough to provide it. Then tell him to get a grip and to stop obsessing over the device and acting so needy. Warn him if he doesn’t get himself under control, consequences will follow.

Asking (bordering on demanding) for teasing, whining about how he feels so sexually frustrated, and begging you to unlock him and allow him relief, should not be tolerated. Never allow him to pressure you to play the game by giving him what he wants. The cold hard truth is you do not owe him anything sexually. He asked for chastity and you generously gave it, even though you may have never found it interesting or desirable to begin with. Demand he stop whining and complaining or consequences will follow.

But what if he persists despite your efforts to correct his misbehavior? Then, it becomes time for the nuclear option. Unlock him and suspend the use of the chastity device indefinitely. Tell him you will not play the game if he refuses to exhibit the self-discipline you require. Most guys will respond to that if chastity is something they truly want and will correct their behavior. If not, it still solves the problem for the key holder, who will no longer have to deal with the misbehavior.

A Word About Locked and Forgotten

As much sympathy as I feel for key holders with caged boys behaving badly, it’s only fair to close by addressing the phenomena known as “locked and forgotten.” That’s when a key holder locks her man and considers it job done, providing no teasing whatsoever. For periods locked in a chastity device for more than about a week at a time, locked and forgotten, is actual cruelty.

Orgasm denial produces real mental and physical responses. Sexual frustration builds and soon becomes unpleasant and difficult to cope with. It can even cause bouts of depression. Teasing produces what is called the dopamine effect and, in turn, that causes the production of a cocktail of “feel good” chemicals that makes heightened sexual desire feel so pleasurable that it mutes sexual frustration to an extent. That’s one reason guys in chastity crave and actually need sexual teasing.

As a key holder, if you know you are not willing or prepared to provide teasing, it’s best to limit locking your man in chastity for brief periods only. Teasing is a must for extended time wearing a chastity device. You have no obligation to provide teasing unless you want to do it, but consider it if you choose to lock your guy for more than a week at a time. That’s basic fairness. And it needn’t require a huge investment of your time. A little teasing can go a long way and there are plenty of simple techniques to use that don’t involve dressing in latex and stilettos or wielding a riding crop.

Tips For the Reluctant Wife (Or Partner)

I have recently updated this consistently popular post, So Your Husband Wants You to Lock His Penis in a Chastity Device, with new information.

In this post, I offer a bit of advice to the woman whose husband has shocked her with a startling request. He wants her to lock his penis in a chastity device. If that describes you, I understand why this can feel more than a little unsettling if not overwhelming. You’re a “normal” person, with what you thought was a “normal” husband, in a “normal” relationship, and now all of a sudden your husband or significant other wants you to become some sort of kinky dominatrix.

Part of the problem is, and trust me on this, when your husband or partner tried to explain his desire for chastity to you, probably he absolutely chose the wrong way to explain it. But don’t panic. Take a deep breath. The request isn’t nearly as bizarre as it might appear at first blush. You can get through this.

Chastity Devices and Why Men Want to Wear Them

This may not come as a surprise to you. If you’ve been married to or with your significant other long, you have probably already noticed his somewhat obsessive relationship with his penis. The point is we think about and fantasize about sex a lot and seem to want it all the time. When we can’t get it all the time, we are often prone to spending inordinate amounts of time getting ourselves off with masturbation. It’s not on purpose. Millions of years of evolution have wired us this way. It’s built into our DNA.

Making the problem even worse is that visuals of sexy, often scantily clad females are everywhere—on television, on the internet, and in real life, at the office, the gym, etc. Add to that mix the pornography industry which generates around $12 billion dollars in annual revenue (more revenue than the combined annual revenues of ABC, NBC, and CBS) that caters almost exclusively to the male sex drive. With these female visuals everywhere, it’s almost a lead pipe cinch that it can trigger for most men the “I want to have sex with that” response. Again, this is not entirely our fault.

Now try this. Imagine you’re sitting on the living room sofa with your husband or boyfriend, watching a favorite television program. Suddenly, he clears his voice, looks at you nervously, and blurts out something that shocks and maybe even confuses you a little. Something similar to this.

“I would like us to add chastity to our relationship. I want you to take complete control of deciding when and how we have sex and when and under what circumstances you allow me to touch myself or have an orgasm.”

“You want what?” you exclaim.

No one could fault you that such a revelation might take you completely by surprise. After all, if he’s like most guys, your partner has probably complained that you don’t have sex often enough, that you aren’t in the mood too often, and has shamelessly checked out other women when he was out with you. Maybe he spends an inordinate amount of time on the internet looking at porn. You may know, or at least suspect, he masturbates way too much. Now he is asking you to take complete control of his access to all sexual pleasure, to decide all aspects of your sex life together, and swears he will abide by your decisions. That’s a lot to take in.

If you’re anything like most women faced with such a revelation, you will have questions. Lots of questions. You will find it hard to believe your partner really wants this. In disbelief, you will probably start asking him question, trying to understand what prompted this. Making it even more confusing is that you may have never even heard of such a thing. What is chastity? Some kinky sex game?

Remember the look of relief that flashed across his face that was palpable once he realizes you were at least open to discussing chastity. He eagerly answered your questions and tried to explain (probably badly), more about what he wants and why. Typically, men find it hard to explain why they want chastity to their wives or girlfriends. He may not explain it perfectly. But might say something like chastity and having you take control is something he has fantasized about for some time and something that truly excites him.

Usually, it takes a guy a long time to work up the courage to tell his wife or girlfriend that he wants her to lock him in a chastity device and to take control of his access to all sexual pleasure. As important as it may be to him, as much as he wants it, he fears your rejection. And often, by the time he works up the courage to broach the subject with his partner, he has already secretly purchased a chastity device and experimented with it. And once the conversation begins, he will grow eager to show you the device, hoping you will better understand what it is and what he wants.

It might amaze you to learn that there are so many men today who wish to be locked in a chastity device and to hand over control of it to the woman in their life. When a woman agrees to such an arrangement, she becomes her partner’s keyholder. Wait! But what is a chastity device, anyway? Good question.

Before You Dismiss Chastity as Just Another Stupid Kinky Game

While there are complete chastity belts that lock around the waist available today, the type of device your husband or boyfriend is most likely telling you about is a simple affair consisting of a ring and a tube or cage affair. The ring goes over the base of the penis and around and beneath the scrotum. The tube or cage then slides over the penis, connects to the ring, and a lock secures the two components together.

Manufacturers and retails offer many styles of these devices, mostly online. They come in a variety of materials like plastic, stainless steel, and silicone and an array of colors. Once locked in place on the male genitals, a chastity device prevents a man from getting normal erections, from touching themselves, let alone masturbating, and from engaging in sexual intercourse.

Of course, if your husband or boyfriend comes to you and reveals out of the blue that he wants you to lock up his penis in one of these devices and to assume complete control of his genitals and sex life, at first blush it may seem a ludicrous proposition. You may feel tempted to dismiss it as just another weird, stupid, kinky sex game he has picked up from the internet. That’s understandable. Again, it is a lot to take in.

Women, as a rule, have calmer temperaments and better self control. Not as intensely sexually focused as many men often are, women might go for a week or even much longer without an orgasm and think nothing of it. You may have often thought men could probably accomplish so much more in life if they weren’t so obsessed with sex. And you would be right if you ever thought that. And that’s just one reason you shouldn’t just dismiss the request for chastity from your husband or boyfriend without giving the idea some serious consideration. If you think about it, your partner is offering you an incredible gift. So, before you give the idea of dismissing the idea of chastity out of hand, first ask yourself these questions.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Are you unhappy with how much attention your partner now pays you? Do you think that at least part of the problem is that he spends too much time surfing porn on the internet? Are you fed up with catching him ogling other attractive women when you’re out together? Has he admitted to you, or do you suspect he masturbates too much? Would you be willing to give up sexual intercourse with him, at least in the short term, if you got a lot more attention from him, including a lot more oral sex? Do you feel the initial excitement and romance have declined significantly and that you often feel dissatisfaction with your relationship? Are you willing to take control and put in some effort to make your relationship work in a new and exciting way? If you answered yes to these questions, maybe you should consider chastity for your husband.

How Does Chastity Work?

Agreeing to lock your husband or boyfriend in a chastity device and taking on the responsibility of becoming his keyholder isn’t beyond the capabilities of most women. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to sacrifice time to learn what is required to become an effective keyholder. There is much more to it than snapping the lock shut, forgetting all about it, and getting on with your life. It doesn’t quite work that way. If you adopt that approach, often called locked and forgot, neither of you will get any of the benefits that chastity offers.

Let’s be clear about one thing. At the beginning, most guys who ask their partner to lock them in chastity are almost exclusively focused on the fantasy rather than the reality of chastity. That’s okay because we can’t expect people to know what something is about until they have experienced it. Here is why this is important to understand. Should you agree to grant your partner’s wish and lock him in a chastity device, initially, he will be over the moon. Yet in as little as a few days, thanks to the normal male sexual response cycle, reality will raise its ugly head.

After orgasm and ejaculation, for most men, their sexual desire and arousal drops to their lowest levels. We’ve all seen it. Their interest in sex evaporates. Along with it, they shove romance and flirting roughly aside and other things occupy their minds. But, as we also know, those rascally men don’t stay disinterested in sex for long. Within 24 to 36 hours, their sexual desire slowly returns as their prostates refill. Guys may barely notice it at first, but by the second and third day after orgasm and ejaculation, their one-tracked minds again focus on sex and they are ready for some loving. You must prepare for this if you decide to become your partner’s keyholder. Because this is what usually happens.

After you lock him and he spends two or three days wearing the chastity device, he will probably start asking you to unlock him. If you refuse, he may become a little cool toward you. Over the next few days, he may grow steadily whinier until his begging to be unlocked will become intolerable. That won’t be much fun for you or him. If you take pity on him, unlock him, and let him out every third or fourth day to take care of himself, it may seem fine. But the whole chastity thing will be a bit of a letdown for you. If you’ve ever read or heard about all the benefits a woman should expect from keeping her man in chastity, you will wonder what everyone is raving about. That’s why you can’t fall into this trap.

If you agree to become your partner’s keyholder, before you snap the lock shut, stress to him chastity might be a game, but it’s a serious game with rules and you will make the rules. Tell him you will take chastity seriously because that’s what he says he wants. And if he shows he isn’t serious by begging for you to unlock him, getting whiny, complaining about feeling miserable, or indulging in other inappropriate behaviors, you will unlock him and forbid him to bring up chastity to you ever again.

He needs to understand you intend to take control, you’re serious, and you won’t take any crap. Do that and you can successfully guide him to the almost magical place that some call the “Goldilocks Phase.” Men reach that phase after about 7 to 10 days, where ever growing arousal and ever-intensifying desire produces sweet, pleasurable sensations that seem as if they will never end. This is where you want your locked partner spending his time, because this phase lasting 21 to 30 days is when chastity will benefit you and him the most.

Today an abundance of resources exist that explain everything you need to know about male chastity and keyholding. Here are three books I recommend, all written by women, that will teach you everything you need to know. I’ve provided Amazon links, but you can find these books at most major bookstores.

A Keyholder’s Handbook by Georgia Ivey Green

Tips & Tricks for Keyholders by Georgia Ivey Green

Practical FLR: Lessons for a Female Led Relationship by J. M. Scott

Both of the books by Georgia Ivey Green focus directly on male chastity and keyholding. If you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, you can even read both books free, as they are included in your membership. The book by J. M. Scott has only one chapter devoted specifically to male chastity, but in the book you will find a wealth of information about taking control of your relationship. Frankly, when you’re controlling a man’s orgasms, you’re controlling the man. And J. M. Scott will teach you how to do that most effectively.

The internet also has a wealth of information about male chastity and keyholding available for free. Unfortunately, a lot of it is wrong, worthless information based more on chastity fantasy than chastity reality. But a few great resources exist. I try to write posts that women and keyholders will find helpful regularly. But there are two other blogs that I highly recommend to women new to chastity and keyholding. Since women curate both blogs, the content comes from a woman’s point of view.

Evolving Your Man

My Boy in Chastity

Emma, who curates Evolving Your Man, keeps her husband Kevin in chastity and has for many years. She is a dedicated researcher and writes interesting and authoritative posts on a variety of chastity and sexuality topics. The woman who publishes My Boy in Chastity details her experiences of guiding her husband’s chastity from the day he first asked her to lock him up and take control until the present. After a hiatus, she began posting again this year. On this blog, the most recent posts appear first. I recommend scrolling all the way to the beginning to start. That way you get the story from beginning to end.

So your husband wants you to lock his penis in a chastity device and you need answers. Hopefully, this post has helped you by answering a few and pointed you to other great resources you will find helpful.

Remember You Don't Have to Become Someone You're Not

Taking part in your partner’s chastity journey doesn’t mean you have to change. You don’t have to become some corset and stiletto-boots wearing dominatrix, or an amateur sex worker. Just be yourself and create your own style.

It doesn’t have to become a time suck and your life needn’t revolve around your significant other’s desire for chastity. You don’t have to be an expert at sexual teasing or spend loads of time learning how to become one. Some teasing is required to keep your husband’s arousal peaking, but there are plenty of simple ways to do that which don’t require a lot of time. I’ll do another post on that topic soon.

Tag Archives: female perspective on male chastity

Caged Boys Behaving Badly