Caged boys behaving badly. What’s the key holder to do?
It’s been a while since I’ve written a post aimed specifically at key holders. So, today I’m going to do that after reading a post on another chastity site about a woman who had contacted the blogger for advice. After agreeing to lock her husband and to become his key holder, her caged boy was misbehaving, and she felt unsure what to do about it. This is a common issue, especially for those new to chastity and the responsibilities of being a key holder. So, let’s talk about it.
But I Gave Him What He Asked For
The circumstance of the woman asking for advice mentioned in the blog post I read was this. Her husband had recently come to her with a request that had shocked her. He explained he wanted her to lock his penis in a strange little plastic device and to not only take complete control over their sex life, but his access to all sexual release. She explained his request not only caught her completely off guard, but confused her. This was the same man who had complained for years they didn’t have enough sex.
The woman’s husband had pointed her to a few websites and reluctantly she agreed to research chastity and to then decide if she would incorporate it into their relationship.
The information on the websites her husband recommended and a few she found on her own extolled the benefits for wives and partners, who locked their men in chastity devices and took charge of the keys. She admitted she suspected the motivation behind her husband’s request for chastity was only his desire to add a kinky sex game to their relationship. But the benefits had sounded good, if maybe a little good to be true. Nevertheless, a few days after his request, she agreed to try chastity and soon locked him in a chastity device.
She thought that was the end of the matter, believing the whole idea of the chastity cage was to lock her husband in it until she decided to take it off. It seemed simple. However, as it had turned out, in practice, there was far more to it than that.
Her husband was happy as a clam for the first few days, although he had been a little grumpy by the end of the second day. But by about the fourth day, he became much more attentive and went out of his way to make her feel special. But by the end of the first week, he became moody, complaining, and even a little resentful. Not only that, he talked incessantly about chastity and how it made him feel and then asked her to look at some other websites that explained about the teasing that was supposed to go with the denial.
After looking at the websites that talked about teasing and denial, she realized her husband hadn’t fully explained what he expected from chastity but only what he had believed would convince her to agree to locking him in the chastity device. And while she had agreed to that, she hadn’t agreed to become her husband’s live in dominatrix. Why wasn’t he satisfied with the wearing the stupid cage? Hadn’t she given him what he asked for?
Understanding the Locked Male's Perspective
First, let’s look at the male perspective when a guy is locked in a chastity device. I think it helps a key holder to know what is going on in his head, although that doesn’t obligate her to do anything unless she wishes. Later, I’ll offer some tips about what to do with caged boys behaving badly.
When a guy wears a chastity device, his focus is on that cage constantly. at all times. Wearing the locked device impacts him in multiple ways besides just stifling his erections and denying him orgasms. Even if it’s a plastic device, it still has weight to it and produces compression of his penis. It forces him to sit rather than stand to urinate. It makes him feel self-conscious about whether others notice the device beneath his clothing. Often the ring and cage or tube chafes his tender bits at least a little. The device forces him to alter his gait a little when walking and may make it uncomfortable for him to sit as he has been accustomed to. It can alter his sleeping habits. In short, to him, wearing a chastity device produces the feeling he is enduring something, suffering something for your benefit and sacrificing a most basic freedom, access to his penis. He is physically and mentally aware of these feelings day and night.
For you, the key holder, you lock the lock and get on with your life. There is nothing to make you aware of your man’s suffering. Your daily routine doesn’t undergo any changes. For you, there are no constant physical reminders of the chastity. For you, nothing changes except that he is no longer bargaining with you or pestering you for sex all the time.
The suffering is part of the allure of the male chastity fantasies. He suffers while his key holder blithely goes about their day. The key holder gains all the freedom, and the locked boy gets all the suffering and sexual frustration that accompanies denial. In reality, he may want to suffer for you and may even find it arousing. But he wants assurance he isn’t alone in the dynamic. He needs to feel your involvement. That you, his key holder, are aware of his suffering and intentionally making him suffer for you. He doesn’t just want the denial. He wants to know you are deliberately denying him.
The locked male is constantly feeling the burdens of the device and continually focused on them, but naturally, the key holder doesn’t and isn’t. That creates a disconnect. He wants you to be aware of what he is enduring so that you will not only recognize the power the device gives you, but will leverage it to exploit the helplessness he feels. That’s one reason he craves the teasing. Teasing gives him assurance you are aware of the extent of his plight and the sacrifices he is making for you. Teasing also heightens his desire and arousal and that helps mute the sexual frustration and can make his suffering feel fulfilling and worthwhile.
In the absence of teasing, he feels even more compelled to share how chastity makes him feel, especially when not asked. He feels a great need to emphasize his sexual frustration and highlight his suffering to encourage you to show physically or verbally how much you enjoy his suffering for your sake. That’s because such will continue to drive his arousal and he craves that.
Now that we’ve covered the mindset of your locked boy, what should you do when he misbehaves?
Addressing Misbehavior
Caged boys behaving badly can range from sharing his thoughts about chastity and how he is suffering incessantly to being annoyingly cranky, moody, or downright passive aggressive to complaining you aren’t providing the teasing he craves and needs to guilt you into giving him what he wants.
First, if you haven’t already done so, borrow and repurpose the first rule of the Fight Club from the movie of the same name. Tell your locked male: “The first rule of chastity is you do not talk about chastity,” (unless you wish to bring it up). The only exception should be health and safety issues such as the device is causing him actual pain or impairing blood circulation.
If he becomes moody or grumpy or acts out in a passive-aggressive behavior, do two things. Remind him he asked for chastity and you were kind enough to provide it. Then tell him to get a grip and to stop obsessing over the device and acting so needy. Warn him if he doesn’t get himself under control, consequences will follow.
Asking (bordering on demanding) for teasing, whining about how he feels so sexually frustrated, and begging you to unlock him and allow him relief, should not be tolerated. Never allow him to pressure you to play the game by giving him what he wants. The cold hard truth is you do not owe him anything sexually. He asked for chastity and you generously gave it, even though you may have never found it interesting or desirable to begin with. Demand he stop whining and complaining or consequences will follow.
But what if he persists despite your efforts to correct his misbehavior? Then, it becomes time for the nuclear option. Unlock him and suspend the use of the chastity device indefinitely. Tell him you will not play the game if he refuses to exhibit the self-discipline you require. Most guys will respond to that if chastity is something they truly want and will correct their behavior. If not, it still solves the problem for the key holder, who will no longer have to deal with the misbehavior.
A Word About Locked and Forgotten
As much sympathy as I feel for key holders with caged boys behaving badly, it’s only fair to close by addressing the phenomena known as “locked and forgotten.” That’s when a key holder locks her man and considers it job done, providing no teasing whatsoever. For periods locked in a chastity device for more than about a week at a time, locked and forgotten, is actual cruelty.
Orgasm denial produces real mental and physical responses. Sexual frustration builds and soon becomes unpleasant and difficult to cope with. It can even cause bouts of depression. Teasing produces what is called the dopamine effect and, in turn, that causes the production of a cocktail of “feel good” chemicals that makes heightened sexual desire feel so pleasurable that it mutes sexual frustration to an extent. That’s one reason guys in chastity crave and actually need sexual teasing.
As a key holder, if you know you are not willing or prepared to provide teasing, it’s best to limit locking your man in chastity for brief periods only. Teasing is a must for extended time wearing a chastity device. You have no obligation to provide teasing unless you want to do it, but consider it if you choose to lock your guy for more than a week at a time. That’s basic fairness. And it needn’t require a huge investment of your time. A little teasing can go a long way and there are plenty of simple techniques to use that don’t involve dressing in latex and stilettos or wielding a riding crop.