I am not in a relationship with anyone and haven’t been for several years now. I don’t have a wife or girlfriend who might enforce my chastity, though I’ve always believed that is probably the very best way to do chastity. The reason I’m not in a relationship and not looking to get into one is the other explanation for my pro domme as a keyholder preference.

Several years ago, I went through a very painful break up with a woman I had expected to spend the rest of my life with, and I’ve never fully recovered from it. I had two relationships with wonderful women after that one ended, but that’s when I realized relationships would never work for me again because I had loved that one woman so completely and so deeply that I simply had nothing left to give to another. Getting involved with another woman would never be fair to either of us, because any new relationship would ultimately fail.

That also explains why I’ve never considered seeking what many term a lifestyle domme as a keyholder, a dominant woman who might enforce my chastity as part of the power exchange and exert other forms of control, all with no expectation of payment. I have great respect for the lifestyle dommes I know, a few of whom I count as friends. But a relationship with a non-pro domme means you must deal with the dominant woman as the whole woman.

Many of the same challenges you face in vanilla dating and relationships are in play with a lifestyle domme. And that is exactly what I don’t want and firmly believe I won’t ever want. Satisfying romantic relationships is part of my past, not part of my future. Yes, it sometimes makes me feel sad to think about that, but as a realist, I can’t question the truth of my convictions.

A pro domme, in comparison, is not looking for a relationship or even any sexual interaction. Not to say that she won’t require you to perform sexual acts that she might also find arousing to have you do, or that real intimacy can’t naturally develop between the two of you. But she will never be your girlfriend.

A pro domme may be as keen about chastity enforcement and teasing and denial as you, but she is providing professional services and is in the business of creating and delivering immersive fantasies. She will connect with you in much the same way as a personal trainer, therapist, or life coach, providing her services for a fee (tribute).

I’ve discovered that many people know very little about pro dommes, what they do and don’t do, and what submitting to a pro domme is actually like. What has surprised me the most is how little lifestyle dommes know about all that.

Some assumptions about pro dommes I’ve seen lifestyle dommes post on blogs and other places were shockingly false. One example I’ve read was, “Pro dommes are the closest you can get to a porn-on-demand experience.” This woman, as many others do, believe pro dommes are “kink dispensers” that give you exactly what you want because you’re paying them. Having engaged a half-dozen pro-dommes, one of whom is internationally known and respected, I can tell you they are not kink dispensers.

I’ve never had a pro domme ask me, “So, what do you want me to do to you?” Yes, they want to know what you’re into because they aren’t mind readers. But they only want to know what your kinks are in broad terms and what your limits are. Like, “I’m into chastity, teasing and denial, impact play, and anal play. My limits are public humiliation, feminization, and cross-dressing.” They don’t care about and don’t want to hear about what you specifically want them to do to you.

Try telling a pro domme, “I want you to lock my cock in a chastity device for a week, then unlock me, and then give me jack off instructions while you watch me masturbate, and then…” You won’t even get that far before they shut you down.

Sure, you can probably find a cam girl on Only Fans who will do all that stuff for you for the right price, but submitting to pro dommes doesn’t work that way. They will take your kink interests and decide where yours overlap with theirs and then, while respecting your limits, will deliver an experience that addresses those shared interests in whatever way that pleases them. Just because you’re tributing them doesn’t mean you get to be in charge. It also doesn’t mean they don’t expect to get pleased or get their desires met too. That’s what dominance and submission are about. It’s an exchange.

Tributes are a funny thing to me. I have no trouble at all tributing a pro domme. A tribute shows respect for a pro domme’s expertise, time, and attention, all of which she could devote to someone else if she wasn’t giving it to you.

A financial tribute to a pro domme is not like paying a prostitute for sex. It isn’t like paying a woman to date you. A pro domme will not have sex with you because she isn’t a prostitute and she won’t be your girlfriend. They are not “findoms.” Yet I see guys all the time on forums advertising for a keyholder who always adds, “Not looking for pay-to-play.” Yeah, good luck with that.

If you want a domme, don’t want to tribute a pro domme, and expect free keyholding, then stop wasting your time posting personal ads on chastity forums. Find out where your local kink community hangs out, get plugged in, and start meeting some dominant women and you might get lucky by finding a lifestyle domme who is interested in you. Or else find someone who isn’t necessarily dominant but willing to date and explore chastity with you. Most women, even vanilla women, can be great keyholders as long as they want to be keyholders.

I’ve had some uniformly wonderful experiences with the pro dommes I’ve engaged with. For the past four months, I’ve submitted to the best pro domme I’ve ever played with, Lucie.

I am still enough of a romantic in the sense I don’t want to submit to just any random domme. I want that connection to one person. And I want that connection with Lucie after learning how well I respond to her relentless willingness to bend me to her will. She doesn’t indulge my kinks. Lucie uses them to taunt me with her power. She enslaves me with her body and her desires so that all I think about is the best way to please her. Even when offering what pleasures she permits me, she is only reminding me how completely she controls me. I want the relationship with Lucie to last.

Lucie has already helped me discover so much about the parts of my sexuality that exist outside what I’ve fantasized about, and she has unlocked the submissive part of my nature in ways I didn’t realize were possible. The vulnerability of being submissive is ultimately part of being a half of a whole. And in the power exchange dynamic of D/s, Lucie, for me, has become the other half.

My pleasures, like my kinks, belong to her. They are the tools of her control. “My pleasure doesn’t matter” has become my mantra. I never expected submitting to Lucie to impact me this much, to feel so bonded with her, so in the beginning, it felt bewildering to feel that things were far more real than I had expected. But she has transformed me into her perfect, driven, obedient boy.

Every opportunity to serve, to sacrifice, to suffer for her feels like something relevant has passed between us. Each whimper and groan from my heightened physical arousal produced by her vivid sexual creativity makes me feel gooey inside. “Good boy” still provokes those same shudders of desire as when I first discovered those words were in Lucie’s hand, a leash on my soul.

Those are the reasons why I prefer having a pro domme enforce my chastity. Or, to put a finer point on it, why I prefer having Lucie enforce my chastity. She has left an indelible mark on my soul.