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A Debate Over Orgasm Denial and Chastity

By Chaste on Friday, December 29, 2023

Quite often I see it suggested in forum discussions and blogs about male chastity that orgasm denial is not only the height of it but the whole point of chastity. Sentiments to the effect that we shouldn’t even call it chastity but enforced orgasm denial. Though I agree orgasm denial powers much of the experiences that we derive from it, I think there is a lot more to chastity than just orgasm denial.

To begin with, let’s define what orgasm denial means. Concisely put, it is the practice of delaying or denying orgasm to either oneself or a partner during some sexual activity. Whether we’re approaching it from the perspective of ancient texts such as the Kama Sutra, or the view from BDSM, which in modern times has played a significant role in popularizing and normalizing orgasm denial, many people engage in the practice for its various benefits. Having more intense and pleasurable orgasms later on after building up your sexual desire by delaying gratification is but one of the physical and psychological benefits of orgasm denial.

Psychologically, orgasm denial can serve as a form of power exchange between partners, with one person taking control and the other submitting. It can also be a way to explore and push boundaries, as well as to deepen intimacy and trust in a relationship. There are various ways to practice orgasm denial, with edging, teasing, and total denial being some of the more common techniques. There are a lot of ways to incorporate orgasm denial into a relationship. One of those ways is using a chastity device.

Male Chastity

Here the focus is on male chastity, not only because that is the subject of this blog. It’s also because men are more interested in practicing chastity than women. Not to say there aren’t chastity belts women can wear. There are and some women enjoy wearing them and practicing chastity, but the numbers are not even close to the number of men who want to wear chastity devices.

Having some experience with subjecting women to orgasm denial in the context of dominance and submission, here is what I’ve observed. With only a few exceptions, I have observed that women don’t enjoy long periods of orgasm denial. Most, after only a short period, become irritable, disagreeable, and frustrated.

Instead of increasing sexual desire, persisting with orgasm denial past a certain point causes women to lose all interest in sexual activity. Many men, on the other hand, thrive when denied orgasms for long periods and for them, desire rises and can remain at high levels consistently for weeks as long as they receive regular teasing. While I have no human sexuality research training or qualifications, I suspect from what I’ve observed, the difference in response to orgasm denial is simply a product of the difference between the male and female libido. And that is why the practice of chastity is more popular with men than women.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I respond to orgasm denial in the same way as most males. When wearing a chastity device and denied, my desire rises and stays at a high level for weeks on end with consistent teasing. I find that pleasurable because desire feels good. Yes, I also experience frustration, but it’s a sweet form of torture. I take a lot longer to reach it than women, but eventually, just like women, I too arrive at a point when the denial goes on too long where my desire falls and I lose interest in sexual activity.

At least in my experience, there comes a point when orgasm denial can become too much of a good thing and no longer feels pleasurable. When that happens, no amount of teasing increases my desire. That doesn’t change until I orgasm and my body resets. Then I’m ready for another round. That is one reason I have never viewed orgasm denial as the be all and end all of chastity as some do. To me, chastity and wearing chastity devices specifically are more about orgasm control than orgasm denial. While some conflate them, permanent chastity and permanent denial are not the same thing.

Orgasm Control Versus Orgasm Denial

It’s actually difficult to find an accurate definition of orgasm control with a web search these days, which wasn’t true when I first got involved in kink. Why? Because these days, most people treat orgasm control and orgasm denial as if the terms are interchangeable. They aren’t. In the context of male chastity, orgasm control can include orgasm denial, but it is so much more than just that. Orgasm control can mean any of several sexual activities involving delaying, denying, allowing, or even forcing orgasm, sometimes in combination. Viewing male chastity as nothing more than total orgasm denial is at best a myopic perspective. Yet more and more people embracing the male chastity kink are simultaneously embracing this point of view.

Among the male wearers of chastity devices, crowing about how many months or years have passed since your last unlock and last orgasm or when your partner last allowed you to have sex with them have become the currency of the various forums and blogs devoted to male chastity discussions. For more and more keyholders, from spouses to partners to professionals, the mantra is to keep your male permanently locked and denied. This is the cornerstone of happiness for both you and him. Many keyholders believe it best to strike a balance between keeping their male completely denied while not extinguishing all hope that he might at some future time gain sexual release. Meanwhile, the keyholder gets her sexual needs met by her dedicated male pleasuring her whenever and however she wants it, or better yet, by cuckolding him and having another less submissive and better endowed male pleasuring her sexually. I think this total orgasm denial approach is the way where madness lies and it is also more the stuff of fantasy than reality.

Could Orgasm Control Chastity Be the More Realistic Approach?

By definition, wearing a chastity device with another holding the keys means ceding control of both your penis and your access to sexual pleasure and orgasms to another. And for it to work, you must allow the keyholder to exercise control or else the entire arrangement is a sham and unworkable. But giving up such control does not mean you’ve acquiesced to a permanent orgasm embargo.

Like any kink, chastity requires the consent of both parties. I’m fine with wearing a chastity device and surrendering control to a keyholder on a more or less continuous basis. But I don’t see the wisdom of consenting to never getting an orgasm or even getting only one or two per year. That’s because I know that’s unrealistic.

I know that when orgasm denial goes on for too long, my arousal plateaus and no amount of teasing will revive it. Absent those powerfully pleasing feelings of constant heightened arousal, I will no longer desire chastity. In fact, I will grow to resent it. Yes, I understand a keyholder may much prefer the locked and denied me over me who has had an orgasm recently. But I know she will also not prefer the plateaued me that she has kept in denial for too long when I become resentful, surly, and uncooperative.

Yes, she is entitled to exercise the control I’ve surrendered to her. She may deny me at her whim, but only within reason, for both our sakes. That’s why a wise keyholder employs all the tools from the orgasm control arsenal, not just continual total denial. I think orgasm denial in chastity is best thought of in terms of delay rather than complete negation. While the keyholder most definitely should decide the when, it should never be a question of if regarding a chastised male’s opportunity to orgasm. That doesn’t mean she should allow orgasms liberally, but should allow them regularly.

Length of Denial Best Practices

There is a school of thought shared by many experienced keyholders I agree with. Once a male has acclimated to wearing a chastity device more or less comfortably for an extended period, the initial lockup period should be 90 days. That is the minimum time necessary to give him an experience like none he has ever had before. And at the end of the 90 days, when the keyholder, after lots of teasing, finally lets him cum, it will happen quickly and feel almost too intense for his body to handle. The 90 days will also allow him time to truly embrace chastity and for the keyholder to establish her authority.

After the initial lockup, I see no valid reason for a keyholder to keep her male locked and denied for over three months ever again. There are different views about how often a keyholder should allow her male to cum after the initial denial period. But the measure used should be weeks, not months and definitely not years if a keyholder and her male expect the best results.

For a younger male, the keyholder may let him have an orgasm about once a week. That’s still a large reduction for someone who probably masturbated to orgasm daily besides any sex he enjoyed. For keyholders with older males, the period between orgasms might be about 14 days, 21 days, or even a month. It should never be exactly the same number of days because the keyholder doesn’t want her male to predict when she will allow him an orgasm. And it needn’t always be a full, unrestricted orgasm.

Ruined orgasms can work just as well without decreasing the male’s level of arousal much at all. Yet a ruined orgasm will prevent his arousal from plateauing, which a keyholder should always want to avoid.

Establishing the proper interval between orgasms is a function of observation. After the initial 90-day lockup and first release, a keyholder need only observe her male after relocking him to see how long he stays in that “sweet spot” of increased focus and attentiveness. Once he becomes surly or resentful, even with consistent teasing, that shows it is time she should allow him a release or some type.

Another technique a keyholder can use is milking (stimulating the prostate gland until the male expresses prostate fluid). Milking accomplished a similar purpose as ruined orgasms, avoiding plateauing while only modestly lowering a male’s arousal. He won’t have to start over at ground zero before his desire peaks again. Yet another tactic a keyholder can use is allowing only an in cage orgasm with the application of a powerful vibrator to the cage. Many men describe in cage orgasms as feeling similar to ruined orgasms. That’s because it’s an orgasm in the absence of a full erection. These alternative techniques help the occasional full, unrestricted orgasm to remain something special for the male, allowed by the keyholder only on special occasions.

Total Denial Chastity May Not Be Healthy

Having read many chastity forum and blog posts, I’ve noticed something I find disturbing. It seems many men kept in near total orgasm denial develop almost a version of Stockholm syndrome, a condition seen in hostage-taking, kidnapping, and abusive relationships.

The power imbalance is so great and the psychological connection between the chastised male and keyholder so profound that the male grows so sympathetic to his keyholder’s needs and desires he loses the ability to consider his own. He believes he is unworthy of even having penetrative sex with his spouse or partner because his penis is inadequate to give her the pleasure and satisfaction she deserves. This makes him feel unworthy of even engaging in self-pleasure or of having orgasms.

From there, it becomes quite easy for him to rationalize his keyholder has every right to get her sexual gratification from another, more well-endowed male capable of satisfying her. He not only approves of it, but encourages it and some will eagerly help procure more worthy sexual partners for their wife or partner. And these days, there are plenty of books and blogs written by FLR advocates who encourage keyholders to embrace cuckolding and give them tips on how to sell the idea to their chastised males.

Just like the actual Stockholm syndrome, this chastity version brought about by total denial chastity is unhealthy, bordering on abuse. There are powerful, naturally produced chemicals circulating in the brains of a man denied orgasms for an extended period. I’m convinced the longer this goes on, the less able a man is to make good decisions on his own behalf. After all, these same chemicals have given rise to the maxim that “men think with their penis” justified because many men, during times of extreme sexual arousal, often make poor decisions that they end up regretting in the interest of sexual gratification. I think there can come a point where a denied male isn’t even capable of giving informed consent. Could this explain the current rising popularity of cuckolding and feminization in chastity circles?

For me, the best and healthiest approach is to separate chastity fantasy from chastity reality. And doing that means not viewing male chastity as the zero-sum game of total denial (or near to it) as the pinnacle of the chastity experience. Instead, I believe it’s orgasm control that should be the focus. It isn’t up to me to prescribe a right way or judge a wrong way of doing chastity. Here I’m speaking only about myself. And I believe there is a lot more to chastity than just orgasm denial. At least, I think there should be.

male chastity sexuality

A Woman Struggles to Understand Why Men Desire Chastity

By Chaste on Friday, November 24, 2023

Recently I read an interesting blog post written by a dominant woman who struggled to understand why so many men get turned on by wearing chastity devices and by orgasm control and denial. I realized that might be something useful to discuss here because I know this woman isn’t the only woman who doesn’t understand why men desire chastity.

One reason this blog post interested me was that the woman who wrote it is a dominant woman. She notes that she fully understood why a femdom wants to control her submissive man’s orgasms and says it’s something she had always done. What she didn’t understand was why so many cock controlled men and wannabe locked men actually want a woman to take control of their penis and to deny their orgasms. If she, a kinky dominant woman who already understands and uses orgasm denial, is confused, just imagine how confused the average vanilla woman whose partner just asked her to add chastity to the relationship must feel.

Then she posed a question. “What is it about your orgasm that makes having it controlled by your partner so desirable to you?”

The Motivation Isn't the Same for Everyone

Of course, ten guys might give her ten different answers because we’re all unique. Chastity and orgasm control and denial don’t mean the same thing to all of us who enthusiastically wear chastity devices. Some guys simply fetishize chastity devices and even get erect just trying to put one on. Others enjoy the restrictive sensations of wearing a chastity device. It’s almost like penis bondage. And for still others, like me, it’s all about the orgasm control and denial. Wearing a chastity device simply elevates orgasm control and denial to a whole other level.

I can’t speak for every chastity enthusiast, but I can answer this woman’s question from my viewpoint by explaining why I desire chastity. I can’t answer her question directly since she will probably never read this post because she stopped posting on her blog in June 2018. But maybe other women with the same questions about why men desire chastity will read this post and understand more about the male attraction to chastity. But before I give my answer, let’s examine why women have such a difficult time understanding why men desire chastity.

Women Don’t Understand Male Libido

As I read this woman’s post, I understood quickly why she doesn’t understand chastity. She doesn’t understand the male libido. Consider this question she poses. “Is the male’s need to play with himself, to masturbate, and to ejaculate so much different from a woman’s need?” Later, she speculates, “I can only assume that there’s something very different about a male’s need to orgasm than a woman’s.” Here is her error.

She views male sexuality through the female lens as all women do. She and most other women think they understand male libido, but they don’t. They believe women and men are the same because that is a core tenant of feminism. The fundamental assertion of feminism is that women are equal to men, and equal not as counterparts to men, but in every respect. That includes sexuality. That’s why women assume men think about sex all the time, play with themselves and masturbate more than women do because men just don’t exercise self control like women do.

Ever heard a woman say something like, “Men are controlled by their penis,“ or “Men think with their penis,” or “All men think about is doing something sexual to make their penis happy.” Most women believe men are obsessed with their penis and spend far too much time playing with themselves, masturbating, and ejaculating. And women attribute all this to men refusing to exercise self control. Men are irresponsible. They truly believe all this. Why?

It’s a Limited Frame of Reference Issue

It’s not their fault women don’t understand male sexuality. How could they? They see the world through the female lens because they are women, just like men see the world through the male lens because they are men. It’s a limited frame of reference issue. I’ll readily admit I understand nothing about female libido because I’m not a woman. But after having had what I consider a representative sample of intimate encounters with women, I know from simple observation one thing is certain. The female libido and the male libido are not the same. Actually, I don’t think they could be more different.

Women exercise self-control. Their vagina doesn’t control them. They don’t think with their sex organ, therefore women are responsible. Sure, they like sex sometimes under the right circumstances and some masturbate, but few do with the frequency men do. Women aren’t like men. The female libido is not like the male libido. Not that the male libido is superior or better. It’s just different. That’s because evolution or nature, however one wishes to put it, assigned women and men different roles.

Evolution Made Us Different

Evolution assigned males the imperative to ensure the survival of the species. That’s why we are the way we are. That’s why we find it harder to exercise self-control, why we feel such a powerful urge to orgasm and ejaculate frequently. It’s not entirely our fault. That’s how evolution wired us sexually. And of course, women and men aren’t wired the same way.

Established physiological reasons exist that explain why the female and male libidos are different, and it is about neurotransmitters and the part of the human brain and the limbic system called the “reward center.” There are three primary actors – dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin. This isn’t a post aimed at explaining the human sexual response cycle scientifically, so I will not get too far into the weeds here. But suffice it to say that the manner in which dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin rise and fall before, during, and after orgasm differs greatly between men and women. That’s because the female menstrual cycle largely drives the sexual response cycle of women and the rise and fall of their dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin levels.

Why the Science Matters

The manner in which dopamine, prolactin, and oxytocin rise and fall before, during, and after orgasm with men explains why men like me want to wear chastity devices because chastity takes orgasm control and denial, something I enjoy, to a whole other level. Elevated desire itself becomes pleasurable. It doesn’t work that way for most women.

Subjecting the average woman to orgasm denial quickly only makes her feel frustrated, and then angry, and if it continues, she loses all interest in anything sexual. Women know that. Just as the blogger says in the post, she can’t even imagine a woman begging for enforced chastity or to wear a chastity device. Of course not. The female libido doesn’t respond to it the way the male libido does.

I suspect with all men who desire chastity, even if it’s motivated initially by a chastity device fetish or the desire for penis bondage sensations, the effects of orgasm denial are also a part of the attraction. The orgasm denial effects are a big part of it for me. But not only from a sexual pleasure standpoint. The constant, elevated arousal also stimulates my submissive nature, and the more aroused I become and the longer it persists, the more submissive I feel toward my keyholder. That’s truly the part of it I like and want most. And I also crave the control aspect of it. I want to feel her control, her ownership of my penis and my orgasms.

I can’t say I ever lose the desire to orgasm, but I stop craving a release because I know from experience once I come and ejaculate, I drop out of that intense, pleasurable submissive headspace and it takes five to seven days before I return to it again. That’s why, when a keyholder allows me to come, I much prefer a ruined orgasm over an unrestricted one. A ruined orgasm shortens the refractory period and I lose little in terms of those powerful submissive feelings. Instead of five to seven days to get back to where I was pre-orgasm, it only takes a day or two.

Is the Male Desire for Chastity Motivated by Selfishness?

The blog post writer poses one last interesting question at the end. She prefaces the question by saying as a dominant woman, she would much prefer it if locking up a man’s cock was torture for him, not something that he found a turn-on. That seems logical from a femdom perspective, especially if the woman has a sadist streak. Then she asks the question. “Are we just doing you a favor by giving you exactly what you want?” The answer is yes, but it is more complicated than that. We could say it is transactional in that women give us what we want by locking up our penis, but they get benefits from doing it too.

Whether or not you have a submissive nature, the effects of extended orgasm denial will affect you mentally and emotionally. Your focus will change. Instead of selfishly focusing on your needs and desires and having them met, you will increasingly focus on your keyholder. Her needs and desires will become more important to you. The rising levels of dopamine drives that and your elevated sexual desire becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you know your keyholder is the only person on the planet able to give you what you desperately want.

If women want to understand what motivates the male desire for chastity, they must first accept female libido and male libido are not the same. Evolution has programmed us differently, and your knowledge of female sexuality is useless in helping you understand male sexuality. Women and men are equal as human beings, but we are not the same and will never be the same sexually. Expecting men to behave more like women and telling them to exercise more self control will never change the things men do that irritate women. More women need to understand that the male desire for chastity and orgasm control and denial are tools women can use to their advantage to improve male behavior.

Chastity doesn’t magically transform me into someone I’m not, but I believe firmly that chastity makes me the best version of me I can possibly be. And that’s why I desire chastity.

Quick reminder for those who have been thinking about getting a Cobra chastity device, or another Cobra device. The Kink3D Black Friday and Cyber Monday Sale started this morning and runs through 27 November.

To be honest, I still think the prices of Cobra chastity devices are a little too high, but the 20% discount Kink3D is offering made the price of a second Cobra slightly easier to swallow. I took advantage of the infrequent Kink3D sale and ordered a Fusion Pink Cobra N+ this morning along with a matching Airlock accessory.

Honestly, I’ve vacillated for days between getting a second Cobra or the White Hera I have my eye on at House of Denial. I only decided this morning. The availability of the Airlock tipped my decision in favor of the Cobra.

House of Denial is working on an accessory that will allow use of plastic numbered tags with the Hera, but it isn’t yet available. Amanda strongly prefers the use of the plastic locks directly on the device and at the moment, Kink3D is the only option.

It disappointed me to learn the expected arrival date is December 4. Even choosing the expedited shipping option didn’t change the date. I suppose I should have expected it. I’m sure the Kink3D team is taking the same 4-day Thanksgiving holiday as most people are and will probably face a tsunami of orders when they return to work Monday morning thanks to the sale. But hopefully, Amanda will allow me to change out devices as soon as my new Cobra hits the mailbox.

Meanwhile…

If you, like me, are observing NOvember (also known as No Nut November), we’re on the home stretch, down to the last week. So far, not a single nut for me this month except for those in a slice of Pecan Pie yesterday. And it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas with no nuts either. Stay strong, my friends.

permanent chastity

Orgasm Frequency For Chaste Males

By Chaste on Monday, November 20, 2023

After staying locked for 137 straight days and remaining orgasm free for 203 consecutive days, I suppose it’s only natural that orgasm frequency for chaste males is something I think about often these days. In this post, we examine the opinions of women keyholders about how often they feel they should allow their chaste males to come, and I’ll share a few thoughts of my own.

A Consensus Opinion About Length of Initial Lock Up

I’ve read quite a few blogs and books by women, both keyholders and dominant women who are in female led relationships and who impose permanent chastity on their partners with chastity devices. The consensus (and surprisingly consistent) opinion among these women I learned was the initial period of confinement should last for a minimum of ninety days. That’s once a male new to chastity has acclimated to wearing a chastity device more or less comfortably, of course. Then, assuming the women didn’t extend the confinement past the ninety days for unsatisfactory behavior, most said they would unlock their chaste male and allow him his first sexual release in whatever manner suited them.

Orgasm Frequency After the First Confinement

After the first ninety-day period of confinement and first release, these women said they then experimented to determine the optimum orgasm frequency for their males. Their decisions often rested on how long it took their male to return to the desired compliant and accommodating demeanor achieved with the initial 90-day lock up and denial period. There was less consistency in their opinions about orgasm frequency from the initial lock up and beyond, which I suppose is understandable since everyone is unique. We all may respond differently to the same stimulus.

Some women, especially those with younger partners, allowed their males to orgasm once a week. The most common opinion was allowing their male to orgasm once per month, and those women thought they shouldn’t withhold orgasms for over three months unless there were good reasons (e.g., complaining, sulking, whining, etc.).

The third most common opinion was striking a balance between keeping their males completely denied but allowing them to orgasm just often enough to give them hope of gaining a future release. Here, there was no set frequency, just the intent of not extinguishing all hope. Once a male reaches that point, chastity no longer works for either partner and only makes him resentful and depressed.

The Need for Balance

While permanent chastity appeals to me strongly, the idea of permanent denial does not. Except for the brief refractory period, two to three days after an orgasm, I never stop wanting to orgasm. And the longer I am denied, the more desperately I want release, and the more I think about wanting to orgasm. I simply can’t imagine living with orgasms under a permanent embargo. While I think I could live with 90-day periods between orgasms, honestly, having an orgasm once per month sounds much more appealing. Sure, once a week would be amazing and that’s still only 52 orgasms a year, but so far I haven’t had a single keyholder who allowed that.

Chastity is about orgasm control by a keyholder, and the effects of orgasm denial fuels it and produce the positive behavior modification that keyholders seek. But, more denial is not always better with orgasm frequency for chaste males. A keyholder must strike that balance many of the women from the posts and books I read spoke about, the balance between producing the desired behavior and not extinguishing a male’s hope for a future release.

My Experience With the Lack of Balance

Since I’ve shared it before, I won’t repeat the entire story again here. But briefly put, my first keyholder pushed the envelope with denial too far. Once the time between orgasms lengthened too far past what she had allowed in the beginning, I grew depressed and then I became resentful and finally I got angry. So, I pulled the plug and ended the relationship. I just couldn’t continue once all hope was gone.

I want my keyholder’s full control over my access to sexual pleasure and orgasms. I crave it. The control aspect motivates my desire for chastity and willingness to endure the denial. I also prefer indefinite chastity, where my keyholder doesn’t tell me the future date she has set for unlocking me and allowing release. I don’t want to know because then I end up counting down the days instead of just immersing myself in the chastity experience. But what I also want is to feel confidence that my keyholder understands me and the importance of balancing her desires and goals for the relationship with my needs and desires. I’m willing to sacrifice and suffer for her greatly, but I need to see evidence she understands and appreciates it. And from my view, a fair and realistic orgasm frequency is a significant part of all of that.

The Game Chaste Men Are Forced to Play

Yes, there is a fetish or kink aspect to chastity that many guys crave and a keyholder helps satisfy those desires. It’s also a major turn on for a guy because of the loss of control. This is why it is almost always the male who suggests chastity in the first place in an established relationship. The chastity device turns the male’s desire, passion, attention, and energy toward the one holding the keys. His constant awareness of being locked in the device and that he will do anything for her to unlock him, makes him willing to focus entirely on her needs and desires, not his.

As his desire builds over time, the longer he stays locked, the more he enjoys it. But only as long as he holds out hope of getting an eventual release. But some keyholders don’t seem to understand or ignore that chastity should benefit both her and him. It’s okay for him to elevate the keyholder’s needs and desires above his own, but he deserves to have his needs met as much as she does.

All too often, especially around the web where dominant women congregate, I see them insisting male submission, even within the context of chastity, is all about them. They shame guys into silence who mention their needs and desires, suggesting such men think dominant women are kink vending machines who exist only to dispense male sexual pleasure. That makes guys looking for a keyholder, especially those of us who aren’t in a relationship, hesitant to even bring up our expectations for fear of getting shunned. That doesn’t work. It isn’t realistic. No one is that selfless, but we feel forced to pretend we are.

I don’t need or want a keyholder who thinks my needs and desires don’t matter. If something is no fun, there is no point in doing it. No, I don’t expect a keyholder to fulfill my every fantasy or satisfy my every kinky desire. That would be selfish. But I will not shortchange myself by doing something I don’t enjoy. I’m not playing the game.

submission

Does the desire to wear a male chastity device make you submissive?

By Chaste on Monday, January 6, 2020

Most of what you find to read about male chastity on the webs suggests that any guy who desires to have another person lock his peen in a chastity device and control his orgasms is by definition submissive. But is that true? Let’s talk about that.

As I’ve shared before, I have considerable past experience in the kink world to include BDSM play and actual relationships based upon the dominant and submissive dynamic. From the time I first became involved, my role was always dominant or top, depending on the particular circumstances. My partners were always submissive women. So, does my recent interest and participation in male chastity mean I’ve suddenly become submissive? Was I filling the wrong role all those years? I don’t think so. But, before I explain, let’s take a look at submission.

Let me first offer my perspective on submissive men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man being submissive or wanting to submit. Given my past experience, I have great respect for submissive people, whether male or female. I have a healthy view of submission. Being submissive does not mean a guy is weak or unmanly. Being submissive doesn’t necessarily mean a guy isn’t a real man. It doesn’t mean he is a doormat or milquetoast. Many submissive people I’ve known over the years are by nature very strong, assertive individuals. They simply enjoy the submissive role, submitting to more dominant people, especially when it comes to erotic play and sex. Submitting is what feels most fulfilling to them.

Also, a submissive guy might have several facets to his submissiveness, perhaps sometimes overlapping with each other, depending on his partner, his mood, and the stage of his development. There is no form of submissiveness that is “better” or more true to the essence of submission than any other. That brings me to the next point. There are many different types of submissive individuals. Qualified people who have studied the psychology of it say there are perhaps seven to nine different types. Simply looking at the extremes of a range of submissive men, we could say at one end of the spectrum, you have the “slave” and, at the opposite end, the “bottom.”

A slave gives himself lock, cock, and barrel to his dominant partner. For our purposes in the discussion of male chastity, the key holder. Beyond being locked in a chastity device, a slave happily submits to being beaten, pierced, even branded. Anything goes. He is owned body and mind. He will accept sleeping on the floor or even in a cage. He will submit to be given to others for use, for example, when cuckoldry is part of the dynamic. This is perhaps the pinnacle of being submissive, whether male or female.

On the other end of the spectrum is the bottom. Not to say a bottom doesn’t authentically submit to his partner, but a bottom submits to obtain the desired outcome. In the context of male chastity, he submits to have the fantasy realized. He desires a strong, dominant partner, usually a woman in my own experience, to lock his peen in a chastity device and control not only his orgasms but even access to his own genitals. Male chastity is just the icing on the cake so to speak, not a vehicle for expressing his highest submissive nature. It’s a transactional arrangement where he gets what he wants, the mind fuck of being locked and denied, in return for the dominant getting what she wants, usually control.

I think the reason so much of what you read about male chastity on the webs seems to insist that all men who want to be kept in chastity are by definition submissive males, is because much of it is written by women who subscribe to the concept of female supremacy within Femdom or FLRs. This I believe, is largely what has perpetuated the myth that all men who want to be kept in chastity, especially by a dominant woman, are submissive by nature. But, I submit it is only a myth. Some chaste males are submissive, some aren’t. It isn’t a requirement that a guy is submissive for him to desire being locked.

The desire by a male to be sexually dominated by a woman in any fashion doesn’t necessarily equate to having some deep-rooted need to express his submissive nature. A man might just as easily only desire to be the bottom during the sexual experience. For some guys then, the desire to be sexually dominated by a woman by having her lock his penis in a cage and assume control over his access to sexual pleasure can be as simple as wanting to fulfill an arousing fantasy by being the bottom during this specific form of sexual play.

A good way to describe this to guys who have never experienced having their penis locked in a device and denied sexual pleasure is to compare it to something someone is absolutely passionate about–say chocolate, for example. If chocolate is your weakness and your ultimate favorite chocolate is locked inside a cage where you can see it, you can smell it, you can almost taste it–you will naturally crave it. And the person who has the key to the cage says they will let you have it, but only if you submit to something they want from you. If you want the chocolate bad enough, if you crave it strongly enough, you will do whatever it takes to get it. Each task you perform at the behest of the key holder only increases the value of the chocolate you can’t have. Each task only heightens your need to please the key holder who controls access to that which you want the most. Naturally, you behave more and more submissively to the key holder. It’s because you become desperate to please to get the chocolate you’re starving for. But, in these circumstances, behaving submissively no matter how authentic, doesn’t necessarily mean a man is submissive by nature or temperament.

Think about all the men you’ve read about who often entertained the supremely arousing fantasy of giving a woman power over their orgasms and feeling the sensations of having a device locked on their cock as a constant reminder that they are not allowed to orgasm. Those who find a woman willing to lock them up achieve such a “needy” state of arousal that they reach a mental state of submission where they will do almost anything to please their key holder. The intensity of the sexual arousal enhances sensations and everything around them takes on new meaning. It creates a depth like nothing else they have ever experienced and can be highly addictive. It may also foster a profound emotional dependency on the person holding the key.

But what happens in many cases when they are allowed release? What happens when they finally get the forbidden chocolate? The submissive feelings evaporate. That’s because, for most men, submission is directly related to their level of sexual arousal.

Once they achieve orgasm, their submission no longer exists. Submission for them is not a state of nature, but a temporary state of mind, a behavior adapted to meet the desired end. Such men then, as much as they love experiencing male chastity, are not submissive.

I’d wager you this. You could take the manliest, dominant man you could find. If you could convince him to allow you to lock a cage on his penis and subject him to a long enough period of sexual teasing and denial, he’d eventually be willing to do almost anything to get out of the cage and experience orgasm. He would behave submissively though not a submissive.

The point of all this is you needn’t be a submissive man where being locked is only another natural outlet to express your submissive nature. I think any guy with the desire to explore male chastity, submissive or not, can find it quite a meaningful and fulfilling experience. In fact, you don’t even have to be kinky as today many vanilla men enjoy being locked in a chastity device too.

Tag Archives: orgasm control