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The Ethos of Male Chastity

By Chaste on Tuesday, February 23, 2021

The Customs and Character of the Chaste Life Through Enforced Chastity

Enforced chastity is the practice where a male consents to someone else denying him orgasms on a more or less regular basis. This is often accomplished with the use of a chastity device (or cock cage), which prevents a male from touching his penis, achieving full erections, and ejaculating. In this article, I discuss the ethos of male chastity, the customs and character of the male chaste life.

The Unbridled Male Sex Drive

Within the average male there is a tremendous drive to have sex. It’s a natural, fundamental urge that’s impossible for us to ignore, genetically programmed into us by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. While there is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive, the irresistible urges of our male libidos can be like a mighty river at flood stage, sweeping away everything in its path on its journey to reach the sea. One way or another, our sex drive demands release of the pent up sexual energy, not caring whether that gets achieved by destroying everything that stands in the way of us achieving sexual gratification.

Sexual Response Cycle

After a man orgasms his sexual response and desire drops precipitously to their lowest levels. But, as we know from experience, that doesn’t last long. Within twenty-four hours for most us, our sexual response and desire begins to slowly return as our prostates refill. Some guys may barely notice it at first, but within forty-eight to seventy-hours most men are ready again for some relief.

There are a lot of myths about male sexual desire, including the common belief that all men want sex all the time. I’m sure we’ve all heard the tired old trope that we men think with our penises instead of the heads on our shoulders. But it is true that most men think about and want sex more often than the average female. But let’s look now at a new myth being perpetrated today, especially in articles on the wonderful world wide web.

Women Want Sex As Often as Men?

Today we live in a society hyper-focused on equality of the genders at all costs. Instead of the freedom to appreciate the unique differences between males and females, increasingly, we are assailed by rabid social engineer keyboard warriors who insist we are all the same in every way.

For this reason you can find a lot of gibberish on the internet these days claiming that the libidos of men and women are not significantly different and that females desire sex as often as men. Wait! Whut? That has not been my experience.

I’m relying on personal anecdotal evidence here, but I’ve been it what I consider a fairly representative sample of relationships with women. That began with a marriage to a woman that was somewhat sexually repressed. During our marriage if we had sex three times a month, it was a cause for celebration.

After our divorce, I have been in only one relationship with a woman who was at least willing (if not always enthusiastic) to have sex as often as I wanted it. And of all the women I’ve had relationships since divorcing there has been only one woman who wanted sex more often than I did. She wore me flat out, but I was brave and tried never to complain.

Anyone who claims the sex drives of men and women are not materially different are simply full of crap. Either they don’t know what the hell they are talking about, or they are attempting to drive some gender equality narrative that has nothing to do with sex or libidos. Think about it. If nature had wired women to want sex as often as men, economies would collapse and civilizations would crumble because none of us would have time for anything else but sex.

The Reality of Unequal Libidos

Here’s the rub. Since most males desire sex more or less every twenty-four to seventy-two hours and most women do not, that can produce a lot of male sexual frustration. Since most of us guys don’t care to experience sexual frustration much, we to go to a reliable plan B when our partner isn’t interested. We wank, oftentimes accompanied by some motivational porn watching.

In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with masturbation, in moderation. If we’re in a relationship it can be a healthy way to fill in the gaps between our levels of sexual desire and that of a partners with a lower sex drive. It is certainly more healthy than having arguments about having sex. The problem arises when moderation goes out the window and wanking becomes an all too frequent habit. Many studies have shown that most guys masturbate daily, and some masturbate multiple times daily.

Sometimes when men masturbate excessively, it’s only because it feels so good they want to do it a lot. But, excessive masturbation can also come about because of the disparity between the sex drives of the genders. When a guy’s female partner rejects having sex with him, especially when rejection is frequent, it can feel like it is a rejection of his whole person. Also, guys may feel they are reduced to begging every time they want sex.

It’s not that we expect our partners to say yes every single time, but well, you get tired of continual rejection and having to beg. That can suck all the pleasure out of even having sex. Wanking seems a no-brainer. You get what you need without any chance of rejection and without having to beg for sex. But this too can lead to problems. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that excessive masturbation can be a relationship killer.

I’ll offer another personal anecdote. Once I was in a relationship with a woman who didn’t need or desire sex as often as I did. I often showered right before bed so I could wank because it helped me sleep better and I knew better than to expect sex. Invariably, there were times after I’d masturbated that she unexpectedly was in the mood for sex. At best, I wasn’t in the mood since I’d already satisfied my urges. Usually, I tried to accommodate her, but often wasn’t able to sustain an erection because I’d already ejaculated minutes before getting into bed. Good times.

Wanking and Porn the Silent Relationship Killers

Problems also arise for men who fall into the habit of staying up an hour or two or three to watch porn and wank after their significant other goes to bed. It starts because a guy has little confidence he will get sex, so why not stay up and get what you need? But after a while, he can become so satisfied with the porn and the wanking that he doesn’t really care whether she wants to have sex or not.

Personally, I’ve never known a woman, even a sexually liberated one, who was okay with that. They feel hurt, upset, and resentful. Soon the relationship starts to crumble. That’s because sex is not only a physical, pleasurable act for either gender. There is more to it than just getting naked and sharing a physical act. Experiencing emotional connection, closeness, and intimacy is also a large part of sex for both men and women. That is the part excessive masturbation can destroy, the very underpinnings of a successful relationship.

It Isn't Only About Sex For Men

I think I speak for many men when I say we want to be devoted to our wives or romantic partners. When a woman captures our hearts, we have an innate desire to do anything to please her and to make her feel happy and cared for. We are even willing to make sacrifices for her by making our needs secondary to her needs. This is not as unusual as some might believe. Given the right relational environment and guidance, these natural male qualities can contribute to a foundation upon which successful relationships thrive.

All most of us want in return is to feel loved and desired. We all want to feel like we matter to our partners and that our sexual organs have value to them. That’s why frequent rejection feels so damaging.

And sometimes, we want the rules and roles in the bedroom reversed. We want our partners to give the compliments, flirt with us, seduce us, and to initiate sex. This is important to us because when our partners initiate sexual activity it is the ultimate, the most clear way we feel desired.

That may seem to fly in the face of conventional wisdom. Both men and women are conditioned to seeing women’s bodies being the objects of desire. For this reason, I think many women are completely unaware that men feel this way about being desired.

Embracing The Ethos of Male Chastity

If what I’ve expressed here strikes a chord with you, exploring the ethos of male chastity might be for you. The practice of chastity, enforced by your partner, can transform your relationship in ways you may find unimaginable.

A woman who locks her man’s penis in a chastity device can expect to gain a more caring and attentive lover. Chastity can help a man learn to be humble, servant-minded, and more attuned to his instinctual male nature to lovingly yield his heart to his partner and to discover that her pleasure can become his greatest pleasure.

For many men, wearing a cock cage can become not only a reflection of their value but also a feeling of acceptance by their partner and a near immediate fulfillment of their need to feel desired.

The chaste life, while difficult at first and something that requires an adjustment period, offers so much more than the fleeting seconds of pleasure a guy gets from ejaculating semen every twenty-four to seventy-hours. So, if trying chastity has been something you’ve thought about but you’ve never taken the first step, maybe now is the time to sit down with your wife or romantic partner to have a serious talk about enforced male chastity.

First Steps

If you’re curious about male chastity and what it can do for you and your relationship, don’t put it off any longer. Take the first steps toward embracing the chaste life. On our chastity device review page, you can read reviews of a variety of chastity devices. Some of the custom-made models require a significant investment. But you will also find reviews for many well-made cock cages that cost lest than a hundred bucks and others that cost less than $20. An inexpensive device is often the best choice for a guy just getting started.

Next, do some reading. You will find many informative articles on this website aimed at beginners. There are also now many great books available on the topic of male chastity. Besides my book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Male Chastity, I recommend Locked in Love by Key Barrett. Once you’ve read these books, they are both great for passing off to your partner when you feel ready to have the chastity talk with her. If you’re a guy ready to re-imagine your relationship, don’t put it off any longer. Take those first steps now.

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So Your Husband Wants You to Lock His Penis in a Chastity Device

By Chaste on Monday, February 22, 2021

Tips For the Reluctant Wife (Or Partner)

I have recently updated this consistently popular post, So Your Husband Wants You to Lock His Penis in a Chastity Device, with new information.

In this post, I offer a bit of advice to the woman whose husband has shocked her with a startling request. He wants her to lock his penis in a chastity device. If that describes you, I understand why this can feel more than a little unsettling if not overwhelming. You’re a “normal” person, with what you thought was a “normal” husband, in a “normal” relationship, and now all of a sudden your husband or significant other wants you to become some sort of kinky dominatrix.

Part of the problem is, and trust me on this, when your husband or partner tried to explain his desire for chastity to you, probably he absolutely chose the wrong way to explain it. But don’t panic. Take a deep breath. The request isn’t nearly as bizarre as it might appear at first blush. You can get through this.

Chastity Devices and Why Men Want to Wear Them

This may not come as a surprise to you. If you’ve been married to or with your significant other long, you have probably already noticed his somewhat obsessive relationship with his penis. The point is we think about and fantasize about sex a lot and seem to want it all the time. When we can’t get it all the time, we are often prone to spending inordinate amounts of time getting ourselves off with masturbation. It’s not on purpose. Millions of years of evolution have wired us this way. It’s built into our DNA.

Making the problem even worse is that visuals of sexy, often scantily clad females are everywhere—on television, on the internet, and in real life, at the office, the gym, etc. Add to that mix the pornography industry which generates around $12 billion dollars in annual revenue (more revenue than the combined annual revenues of ABC, NBC, and CBS) that caters almost exclusively to the male sex drive. With these female visuals everywhere, it’s almost a lead pipe cinch that it can trigger for most men the “I want to have sex with that” response. Again, this is not entirely our fault.

Now try this. Imagine you’re sitting on the living room sofa with your husband or boyfriend, watching a favorite television program. Suddenly, he clears his voice, looks at you nervously, and blurts out something that shocks and maybe even confuses you a little. Something similar to this.

“I would like us to add chastity to our relationship. I want you to take complete control of deciding when and how we have sex and when and under what circumstances you allow me to touch myself or have an orgasm.”

“You want what?” you exclaim.

No one could fault you that such a revelation might take you completely by surprise. After all, if he’s like most guys, your partner has probably complained that you don’t have sex often enough, that you aren’t in the mood too often, and has shamelessly checked out other women when he was out with you. Maybe he spends an inordinate amount of time on the internet looking at porn. You may know, or at least suspect, he masturbates way too much. Now he is asking you to take complete control of his access to all sexual pleasure, to decide all aspects of your sex life together, and swears he will abide by your decisions. That’s a lot to take in.

If you’re anything like most women faced with such a revelation, you will have questions. Lots of questions. You will find it hard to believe your partner really wants this. In disbelief, you will probably start asking him question, trying to understand what prompted this. Making it even more confusing is that you may have never even heard of such a thing. What is chastity? Some kinky sex game?

Remember the look of relief that flashed across his face that was palpable once he realizes you were at least open to discussing chastity. He eagerly answered your questions and tried to explain (probably badly), more about what he wants and why. Typically, men find it hard to explain why they want chastity to their wives or girlfriends. He may not explain it perfectly. But might say something like chastity and having you take control is something he has fantasized about for some time and something that truly excites him.

Usually, it takes a guy a long time to work up the courage to tell his wife or girlfriend that he wants her to lock him in a chastity device and to take control of his access to all sexual pleasure. As important as it may be to him, as much as he wants it, he fears your rejection. And often, by the time he works up the courage to broach the subject with his partner, he has already secretly purchased a chastity device and experimented with it. And once the conversation begins, he will grow eager to show you the device, hoping you will better understand what it is and what he wants.

It might amaze you to learn that there are so many men today who wish to be locked in a chastity device and to hand over control of it to the woman in their life. When a woman agrees to such an arrangement, she becomes her partner’s keyholder. Wait! But what is a chastity device, anyway? Good question.

Before You Dismiss Chastity as Just Another Stupid Kinky Game

While there are complete chastity belts that lock around the waist available today, the type of device your husband or boyfriend is most likely telling you about is a simple affair consisting of a ring and a tube or cage affair. The ring goes over the base of the penis and around and beneath the scrotum. The tube or cage then slides over the penis, connects to the ring, and a lock secures the two components together.

Manufacturers and retails offer many styles of these devices, mostly online. They come in a variety of materials like plastic, stainless steel, and silicone and an array of colors. Once locked in place on the male genitals, a chastity device prevents a man from getting normal erections, from touching themselves, let alone masturbating, and from engaging in sexual intercourse.

Of course, if your husband or boyfriend comes to you and reveals out of the blue that he wants you to lock up his penis in one of these devices and to assume complete control of his genitals and sex life, at first blush it may seem a ludicrous proposition. You may feel tempted to dismiss it as just another weird, stupid, kinky sex game he has picked up from the internet. That’s understandable. Again, it is a lot to take in.

Women, as a rule, have calmer temperaments and better self control. Not as intensely sexually focused as many men often are, women might go for a week or even much longer without an orgasm and think nothing of it. You may have often thought men could probably accomplish so much more in life if they weren’t so obsessed with sex. And you would be right if you ever thought that. And that’s just one reason you shouldn’t just dismiss the request for chastity from your husband or boyfriend without giving the idea some serious consideration. If you think about it, your partner is offering you an incredible gift. So, before you give the idea of dismissing the idea of chastity out of hand, first ask yourself these questions.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Are you unhappy with how much attention your partner now pays you? Do you think that at least part of the problem is that he spends too much time surfing porn on the internet? Are you fed up with catching him ogling other attractive women when you’re out together? Has he admitted to you, or do you suspect he masturbates too much? Would you be willing to give up sexual intercourse with him, at least in the short term, if you got a lot more attention from him, including a lot more oral sex? Do you feel the initial excitement and romance have declined significantly and that you often feel dissatisfaction with your relationship? Are you willing to take control and put in some effort to make your relationship work in a new and exciting way? If you answered yes to these questions, maybe you should consider chastity for your husband.

How Does Chastity Work?

Agreeing to lock your husband or boyfriend in a chastity device and taking on the responsibility of becoming his keyholder isn’t beyond the capabilities of most women. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to sacrifice time to learn what is required to become an effective keyholder. There is much more to it than snapping the lock shut, forgetting all about it, and getting on with your life. It doesn’t quite work that way. If you adopt that approach, often called locked and forgot, neither of you will get any of the benefits that chastity offers.

Let’s be clear about one thing. At the beginning, most guys who ask their partner to lock them in chastity are almost exclusively focused on the fantasy rather than the reality of chastity. That’s okay because we can’t expect people to know what something is about until they have experienced it. Here is why this is important to understand. Should you agree to grant your partner’s wish and lock him in a chastity device, initially, he will be over the moon. Yet in as little as a few days, thanks to the normal male sexual response cycle, reality will raise its ugly head.

After orgasm and ejaculation, for most men, their sexual desire and arousal drops to their lowest levels. We’ve all seen it. Their interest in sex evaporates. Along with it, they shove romance and flirting roughly aside and other things occupy their minds. But, as we also know, those rascally men don’t stay disinterested in sex for long. Within 24 to 36 hours, their sexual desire slowly returns as their prostates refill. Guys may barely notice it at first, but by the second and third day after orgasm and ejaculation, their one-tracked minds again focus on sex and they are ready for some loving. You must prepare for this if you decide to become your partner’s keyholder. Because this is what usually happens.

After you lock him and he spends two or three days wearing the chastity device, he will probably start asking you to unlock him. If you refuse, he may become a little cool toward you. Over the next few days, he may grow steadily whinier until his begging to be unlocked will become intolerable. That won’t be much fun for you or him. If you take pity on him, unlock him, and let him out every third or fourth day to take care of himself, it may seem fine. But the whole chastity thing will be a bit of a letdown for you. If you’ve ever read or heard about all the benefits a woman should expect from keeping her man in chastity, you will wonder what everyone is raving about. That’s why you can’t fall into this trap.

If you agree to become your partner’s keyholder, before you snap the lock shut, stress to him chastity might be a game, but it’s a serious game with rules and you will make the rules. Tell him you will take chastity seriously because that’s what he says he wants. And if he shows he isn’t serious by begging for you to unlock him, getting whiny, complaining about feeling miserable, or indulging in other inappropriate behaviors, you will unlock him and forbid him to bring up chastity to you ever again.

He needs to understand you intend to take control, you’re serious, and you won’t take any crap. Do that and you can successfully guide him to the almost magical place that some call the “Goldilocks Phase.” Men reach that phase after about 7 to 10 days, where ever growing arousal and ever-intensifying desire produces sweet, pleasurable sensations that seem as if they will never end. This is where you want your locked partner spending his time, because this phase lasting 21 to 30 days is when chastity will benefit you and him the most.

Today an abundance of resources exist that explain everything you need to know about male chastity and keyholding. Here are three books I recommend, all written by women, that will teach you everything you need to know. I’ve provided Amazon links, but you can find these books at most major bookstores.

A Keyholder’s Handbook by Georgia Ivey Green

Tips & Tricks for Keyholders by Georgia Ivey Green

Practical FLR: Lessons for a Female Led Relationship by J. M. Scott

Both of the books by Georgia Ivey Green focus directly on male chastity and keyholding. If you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited, you can even read both books free, as they are included in your membership. The book by J. M. Scott has only one chapter devoted specifically to male chastity, but in the book you will find a wealth of information about taking control of your relationship. Frankly, when you’re controlling a man’s orgasms, you’re controlling the man. And J. M. Scott will teach you how to do that most effectively.

The internet also has a wealth of information about male chastity and keyholding available for free. Unfortunately, a lot of it is wrong, worthless information based more on chastity fantasy than chastity reality. But a few great resources exist. I try to write posts that women and keyholders will find helpful regularly. But there are two other blogs that I highly recommend to women new to chastity and keyholding. Since women curate both blogs, the content comes from a woman’s point of view.

Evolving Your Man

My Boy in Chastity

Emma, who curates Evolving Your Man, keeps her husband Kevin in chastity and has for many years. She is a dedicated researcher and writes interesting and authoritative posts on a variety of chastity and sexuality topics. The woman who publishes My Boy in Chastity details her experiences of guiding her husband’s chastity from the day he first asked her to lock him up and take control until the present. After a hiatus, she began posting again this year. On this blog, the most recent posts appear first. I recommend scrolling all the way to the beginning to start. That way you get the story from beginning to end.

So your husband wants you to lock his penis in a chastity device and you need answers. Hopefully, this post has helped you by answering a few and pointed you to other great resources you will find helpful.

Remember You Don't Have to Become Someone You're Not

Taking part in your partner’s chastity journey doesn’t mean you have to change. You don’t have to become some corset and stiletto-boots wearing dominatrix, or an amateur sex worker. Just be yourself and create your own style.

It doesn’t have to become a time suck and your life needn’t revolve around your significant other’s desire for chastity. You don’t have to be an expert at sexual teasing or spend loads of time learning how to become one. Some teasing is required to keep your husband’s arousal peaking, but there are plenty of simple ways to do that which don’t require a lot of time. I’ll do another post on that topic soon.

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My first night sleeping in a male chastity device

By Chaste on Friday, December 27, 2019

Finally, I experienced my first night sleeping in a male chastity device. LJ told me to remain locked when I went to bed last night. I had been keen to do it, which led to what seemed a small misunderstanding.

Yesterday afternoon I mentioned how I was really hoping she would let me sleep while locked. I meant only to convey how much I liked being locked for her and that I was feeling confident I was ready for my first night locked. Evidently, she either interpreted what I said as a request or a suggested course of action.

At any rate, I received a terse reply reminding me in no uncertain terms that she made the decisions, and what I wanted was completely irrelevant. Fair enough, I suppose, if she really believed I had overstepped. But, I was honestly only sharing my mental state at the time which is something I thought she expected from me. This goes to show that getting acquainted and comfortable with a new keyholder is just as much a part of this process as getting accustomed to being locked.

I’m not the type who gets hurt feelings easily. But LJ’s curt correction, which I truly believe was simply based on an incorrect interpretation on her part, smarted a bit. It also makes me feel less eager to express feelings as opposed to only the facts about my adjustment to being locked. That is problematic in my view. It makes me feel less willing to be completely open and vulnerable with her which I’d think is how this kind of arrangement should ideally go.

Anyway, it’s still a bit of a sore spot for me this morning. The shocking bit is she has been strict, but very reasonable up until the exchange yesterday afternoon. Guess it will start to feel more like we’re on the same page as we get better acquainted.

Later in the evening, LJ told me I would be sleeping while locked. I was a bit surprised by that given what she had said earlier. I half expected she was going to make me remove the cage, not out of spite, but to drive home the point she was boss. I’m happy she didn’t do that because to be honest, I would have seen that as petty. I have a very firm grasp of the dynamics of power exchanges. I’m not one to attempt topping from the bottom. I feel no entitlement to suggest courses of action to LJ, and I’ve not made a single request of her. I simply do what she says which is how I see the whole enforced chastity thing working. I hope we get this sorted in short order.

Well, off my rant and back to the actual topic, my first overnight locked. Sleeping locked was probably the one thing I felt a bit uneasy about at the beginning. I’d read a lot of experiences shared by other guys, which made me worry dealing with night time erections might be a very unpleasant, and maybe even painful experiences. As it turned out, I worried about it way too much.

I was awakened three times by attempted erections during the night. With the first two occurrences, things subsided quickly and I went back to sleep almost immediately. The last erection was a short time before I intended to get out of bed this morning. Morning wood, I suppose. It didn’t cause what I’d characterize as real discomfort. But, I was very much aware of some significant pressure from the base ring being pulled tighter. So, using a tip I’d read somewhere, I went to the bathroom and urinated which resolved things quickly.

In short, my first overnight while locked went amazingly well. I’ve now experienced my first complete 24-hour locked experience. I slept normally for the most part, and had no trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position. The cage is beginning to feel more like a part of my body rather than an uncomfortable foreign object. And, I am very pleased with this inexpensive, made in China, device I had to switch to when the Jailhouse device didn’t work out. It is amazingly comfortable to wear, and its open style makes cleaning up in the shower while locked a breeze.

The only thing I dislike about the device is the “shower head” effect caused by the end cap with multiple holes. Invariably, my urethral opening is never lined up properly with the center hole. So, when peeing, the urine splashes against the inside of the end cap and pretty much goes everywhere except where intended. I’m now planning a full review of the device once I’ve worn it another week or so.

I have no clue where we will go from here, or how long I’ll be locked before being released again. As LJ brusquely reminded me yesterday afternoon, she makes the decisions about how things will go and will tell me what happens next when she feels I need to know. Yep, cool. Pretty much what I expected when I decided to jump into male chastity.

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LJ Rules

By Chaste on Thursday, December 26, 2019

I suppose I’m in a contemplative mood today, even though it’s only my third day in chastity. I thought I’d start by sharing LJ’s rules for me in this post. The rules are few but straightforward. I’m sure most of them are similar to the rules other key holders set. The last two relate to the fact LJ is enforcing my chastity from a distance.

1. My cock belongs to LJ, period.
2. I must wear my chastity device at all times unless she instructs me to remove it. (A bonafide medical emergency the only exception.)
3. I can only come when given permission, and in the manner, LJ instructs me to do so.
4. When I’m unlocked, I may not touch “her” penis except as required for cleaning and must never play with “her” penis whether locked or unlocked without permission.
5. I am required to submit verification photos whenever LJ chooses to require them.
6. I must complete any assigned tasks given by LJ promptly and to her satisfaction.

Here is the contemplative part. As I was looking at the rules again today, I’ve agreed to follow, a few thoughts came to mind about exactly what accepting these rules means for me.

1. I no longer decide when and how often sexual stimulation or release happens for me.
2. I enjoy no entitlement to sexual stimulation or release.
3. I have no expectation of being allowed sexual stimulation or release.
4. Pleasure for me now is doing my best to show respect to LJ by obeying her in every respect, pleasing her, and submitting to her authority.
5. When and if LJ allows me sexual stimulation or release, it will be a gift.

When a man gives up control over the very thing that defines his manhood, he gives up a lot of other related things too. Most of them go against the grain of everything our culture says men are entitled to. Even though I’m only in my third day of enforced chastity, I already suspect accepting and embracing these realities will be among the hardest things I’ve ever done. And, I’ve done some hard shit during my lifetime.

Even so, at the very outset of this dive into male chastity, I feel deeply enforced chastity is something I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up.

Yes, LJ rules. She makes them. I live by them. I don’t think I’d have it any other way.