31 Days of Chastity Meme Day 16: Chastity Difficulties

In my fourth year of chastity, all those minor difficulties everyone new to chastity experiences – dealing with the inevitable chafing, learning to sit to pee, the uncomfortable night time erections, and blue balls are all behind me. Finding a well-fitting cage and adjusting to extended device wear usually solves all these things pretty quickly. So these types of difficulties are minor. But that doesn’t mean I have no chastity difficulties.

The suffering of the chastised male while the key holder goes carefree about their day is one of the primary attractions of the chastity fantasy. All the freedom belongs to the keyholder, while all the suffering and frustrations belong to the guy wearing the chastity device. That’s the fantasy. Reality is usually quite different.

By design, male chastity cages work when you do nothing. The entire concept of chastity is a key holder locks a cage on their willing partner until they decide to take it off, denying the partner sexual pleasure and gratification. It seems simple enough. But in practice, there’s usually more to it than that. Here’s the issue.

When a guy wears a chastity device, his attention is on that cage almost continually. Obviously, as we would expect, he experiences feelings of enduring something, suffering for his key holder, at least in theory, and giving up a very basic freedom. The freedom to orgasm and ejaculate anytime he wants. However, the device affects him in many other ways. It doesn’t only deny him orgasms and limit erections. All devices, to some degree, involve weight and compression on his penis. It forces him to sit to pee, impacts on his choice of clothing, often chafes at least a little, forces changes in his usual hygiene routines, may make him self-conscious because of anxiety about how visible the device is to others, and may change his sleeping habits. I have a comfortable, lightweight device and am often completely unaware of it for hours at a time. But most of us chastity device wearers are physically aware of our device much of the day and night. But none of these things apply to a key holder.

A key holder closes the lock and then goes about blissfully about their day. Nothing reminds you constantly of your locked partner’s suffering. Nothing changes your daily routine. For the key holder, nothing changes beyond the few times a week they choose to provide a little teasing. And here’s the problem with all that. The locked male constantly feels the “burden” of the device and actively thinking about it. But the key holder isn’t. This creates a misunderstanding that for the chastised male is very real.

The locked male, especially if he is a submissive male, needs to know he is not alone in the chastity dynamic. He wants to feel the dominant’s intent, to feel that the key holder is actively requiring the sacrificing and suffering he is experiencing. When we’re locked and denied, we don’t only want to locked and denied. We want to know the dominant is deliberately subjecting us to it and aware of suffering and what we’re sacrificing for them.

We want our key holder to recognize the power the device has and to actively leverage the helplessness we feel. Sometimes, we want this all the time, because the device reminds us of it all the time, and we’re thinking about it all the time. Since the key holder has no physical reminder that interrupts them constantly all day long, they can seem completely unaware of of the extent of our predicament. I admit, I’m no different in this regard than anyone else. I want and sometimes crave my key holder’s constant attention. And that is the difficulty.

When it seems the key holder is less involved or at least less involved than we want them to be me, many of us respond by “sharing” how they feel, especially when not asked. We feel the need to emphasize and highlight our suffering and frustration. Sometimes we may overtly show our desperation by with over-the-top submissive behavior to show the benefits the key holder reaps from keeping us in chastity.

We try to manipulate the key holder into showing appreciation and recognition of our plight through things like teasing us to make our frustration (or is it arousal) even more pronounced. We need the dominant to show us just how much they enjoy our suffering and captivity. Sometimes, guys will even act out to provoke punishment from the key holder, usually hoping that they will leverage the device to increase their frustration. Something like punishment in the form of another week in chastity. And if the key holder doesn’t rise to the bait, chastity submissives often get angry or depressed and may even openly question the key holder’s commitment or abilities.

The result of this toxic behavior is it puts pressure on the key holder. Pressure to play the game the way we want it. To give us what we believe that they should give us, to show us more appreciation, to give more of their time towards thinking about what we’re feeling and thinking about. Instead of appreciating that our partner or other key holder has given us what we asked for, we demand they give it to us in exactly the way we want it. What I find difficult about chastity is not giving into the urges to do any of that.

No one has ever forced me into a chastity device and I doubt that happens to anyone often enough to have any statistical relevance. Usually, if not almost always, it is the guy who wants to wear a chastity device making the request to a partner or other key holder to lock him and enforce his chastity. What I must remind myself of is that when someone agrees to do that for me, I should appreciate that and guard against having unrealistic expectations about what comes next. I have no right to demand more teasing or to complain that I’m not getting enough attention or to question my key holder’s abilities or commitment. And I have no right to share how I’m feeling constantly, especially when my key holder doesn’t ask.

Sure, it’s difficult to tamp down our feelings, especially when we’re feeling our partner doesn’t seem to appreciate our suffering and the sacrifices we’re making for them. The orgasm denial makes it even harder because of the way it changes the balance of all the powerful hormones and neurotransmitters in our bodies. But we must suppress those feelings and recognize they result from the chastity fantasy and that’s not reality.

Many key holders enjoy or learn to enjoy locking up their partner’s penis. Others, like a guy’s romantic partner, may only take part because they love their partner and want him to be happy. So, when he asks for chastity, they indulge him even though they may have no personal interest in it. Regardless, the fastest way to put a key holder, any key holder, off joining your chastity journey is to indulge those negative feelings and becoming too high maintenance. A romantic partner may simply tell you to take off the stupid cage and to never bring it up again. A professional may drop you like a bad habit and inform you to never contact them again.

Yes, the feelings are genuine, and we’re all susceptible to them. It’s difficult to resist them, but we must. Otherwise, be honest with yourself and admit chastity is really not about your key holder. It’s all about you and getting your kinks satisfied. Sure, chastity should be fun and you should enjoy it. If not, why do it? But in my experience, chastity focused on my key holder is the best chastity of all because it helps me keep the unrealistic, self-serving expectations in check.

The topic for tomorrow is chastity misconceptions. If you find that subject intriguing, join me for 31 Days of Chastity Meme Day 17 and this prompt:

What misconception about chastity would you most like to clear up? How do you think the general population understands chastity?